What Mrs. Dashwood Said

I have quirks.  

Who doesn't?

I have come to accept and embrace many of these quirks.

One such quirk is my need to title and dedicate any new journal, notebook, binder, or scribbler I start.  It keeps me organized, okay?  Haha, I never said I wasn't a nerd.

One of my favorite dedicated binders has been named 'Profoundities', which is a clever combination of the words profound and profanities.  This binder is dedicated to the recording and preserving of quotes I have deemed "so deep they're bad".  Whenever I read, my little 'Profoundities' binder can be found close at hand, just in case I need to stop and write down a quote I really like (which I guess is another quirk, the compulsive need to document quotes).

Currently, I'm reading the book Sense and Sensibility by Jane Austen.  I love a good book by Miss Austen, but rarely do her words make it into the 'Profoundities' binder.  That is, until I read what Mrs. Dashwood said...

"KNOW YOUR OWN HAPPINESS."

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Happiness.  

The root of all pursuits.  

The light at the end of the tunnel.  

The why.

I can't think of anything more personal and private than a person's happiness.  Unfortunately, like all things that are sacred, pop culture, society, media, and so on, have taken happiness hostage and given it an image.

Happiness is being a size 0.

Happiness is owning a new car, house, clothes, etc.

Happiness is having the sun shining.

Happiness is spending an evening drinking until you're plastered.

Happiness is staying up super late.

Happiness is having a prestigious job.

Happiness is spending a great deal of money.

Happiness is having a significant other.

Happiness is being immorally intimate with that significant other.

Happiness is travelling to a tropical country.

Happiness is no longer yours to decide.

Don't get me wrong, some of these things I listed could very well offer you a legitimate happiness, but did you decide and feel that it made you happy, or did seeing other people enjoying it make you think you should be happy?  Do you know your own happiness?

I'm pretty sure I was happy at this exact moment.

YOUR OWN.  Those two words are quite possibly what made this quote hit me like it did.  Happiness is just as much a process of self-discovery as it is pursuing and doing the things that make you happy.  No wonder society has chosen to accept a spectrum of norms in regards to happiness, it's so much easier for someone to tell you who you are and what you like than to go and figure it out for yourself.  Could this state and trend of 'pseudo-happiness' be the culprit behind so many destroyed marriages, cases of depression, suicides and so on?

Throughout my life, there have been times when I have ultimately equated my entire state of happiness to exist within something usually quite out of my control.  I would utterly convince myself that I'd be living in a state of bliss when this happened or when so-and-so held my hand, etc.  Yet, as soon as that would occur, I would be silently devastated and cluelessly confused as to why I wasn't an entirely new, happier person.  Thankfully, I think I can say I have learned my lesson.  Today I know that my own happiness is NOT controlled by any of these factors, and I'm confident enough to say I'm pretty sure yours isn't either...

1.  A Person

Guilty as charged.  I've done it.  Who hasn't thought they'd be just that much more happy if only That One Guy In Particular would come and sweep them off their feet.  Perhaps there isn't anyone in particular.  Perhaps you're just waiting for The One to come and save you.  Or maybe you're not interested in love, you just want the Cool Group to start inviting you out.  It doesn't matter what you're looking for, if you start associating your happiness with a person or group of people you could very well be asking to be let down.  Just like yourself, these people have freedom of choice and you can't control their actions to bring you happiness.  A person's actions towards you are completely uncontrollable, so don't bank all your happiness in something that is not your own.  However, finding happiness in the actions you do towards someone is quite plausible.  How do you feel after giving a compliment, extending service, or reaching out to a stranger?  You have no control over a person, so do not associate your happiness with which you have no control.

2. A Future Self

Think of every advertisement ever associated with a weight loss solution or campaign.  Guaranteed there is some sort of reference to your happiness once you've shed all those unwanted pounds.  And the weight loss industry isn't the only one bribing you with happiness as the main factor for buying in either.  So often we human beings associate our happiness with who we will be if we could only weigh 10 lbs less, have a nose that looks a little different, be able to sing a little better, and so on.  What we forget to remember is that we will still be the exact same person we are right now and there will always be something that needs a little fixing, even after losing the weight, fixing the nose, or developing the talent.  Instead of waiting to be happy, why not accept yourself now and decide to be happy.  Besides, who or what is telling you that you should be unhappy with those things about yourself anyways?  Know and accept your own happiness.

3. A Time

I really don't like winter.  Like really don't like winter.   I struggle through it each year telling myself that I will finally be happy as soon as summer rolls around.  And because I have this attitude, I'm realizing that I live each winter in a state of hibernation, waiting for summer to roll around.  What does this mean? It means I have some how tricked myself into thinking I can't be happy for 2/3's of the year.  How silly is that?!  I have absolutely no control of time or the seasons of the year.  Winter is going to happen.  It is going to snow.  I believe Margaret Lee Runbeck says it best with, "Happiness is not a state to arrive at, but a manner of traveling."  I can choose to only be happy at my perfect destination of summer during the year, or to accept and love each day, no matter what the weather.  No one controls the hands of time, so learn to love life all the time.

4.  A Place

I am extraordinarily guilty of this one as well.  I consider myself a country girl.  I am truly happy on the great expanse of the Southern Alberta prairies and in the shadows of the Rocky Mountains.  I love wide open spaces.  However, for 2/3's of the year, I need to live in the city in order to pursue an education.  Oh how my mind plays tricks on me by telling myself I can't be happy in the city.  Oftentimes you simply have no control over the location you need to live in at a certain time in your life.  This doesn't mean you have to put your happiness on hold because you aren't living in the place that makes you the happiest.  Your own happiness should be something that you take and enjoy wherever you are, not something you have to go running back to as soon as school lets out in the spring.

5. An Event

This one might shock you, but you will not be a happier person after you graduate from High School or University.  You will not be a happier person after you get married.  You will not be a happier person after you have kids.  You will not be a happier person after all your kids are in school or moved out.  You will not be a happier person after you are retired.  You will not be a happier person after... and the list goes on and on and on.  Life is a long line of milestone events.  Most everyone is lucky enough to experience each one.  Unfortunately, we often get so caught up in waiting for the next event that we forget to enjoy and embrace the time between these milestones.  Life is that thing that is happening right here, right now.  It's not going to be any better once you no longer have to write essays, no longer have to date boys, or no longer have to change diapers.  In fact, you'll probably be longing for one of those stages you let slip by later in life when you realize how good it was.  Don't associate your happiness with something that will eventually happen just because you're impatient.  It's going to happen.  I'm sure it will be great.  But oh how you'll regret not enjoying what was going on that lead up to that point.

Don't get me wrong, I completely understand and agree that many, if not all, of the things I listed above can contribute to one's happiness.  What I firmly think however, is that if you make yourself believe your happiness depends upon one of these factors, you'll only be setting yourself up for unhappiness.  Ultimately, happiness is a decision.  Sometimes it's a lot easier to decide to be happy and sometimes it's a struggle.  By knowing your own happiness, you'll be a lot freer and find it easier to be happy.

Happiness is a function of accepting what is.  -- Werner Erhard

Math.

I never did like math in school.  Nope.  It required the most attention and effort and I could just never really see myself using it in the real world.  

Yup.  This'll help me perfect my pool game.

I'll be able to draw perfect angles with this beauty.

I'm going to win the next game of Poker using this.

Thankfully, I graduated from High School and have been forever freed from the constraints of complicated mathematics.  Or at least I thought I was.  

It was during a run this past week that I realized I haven't escaped math in the slightest.  I love to go running.  I find I think the clearest during a good long run and I am oftentimes blessed with my best ideas or new insight and understanding to any matter weighing on my mind.  Heck, most of my blog entries are perfected whilst running, which makes it fitting that I should suddenly come to this realization.   What is this realization?  It is that I, Kristen Gibb, am completely and irrevocably the sum of a complicated mathematical equation.

What are the units of measurement you might ask?  Seconds, calories, joules, kilometres, pounds, and so on.  How I invest each unit of myself matters.

Every second of my time invested in an activity equals the order of my priorities.

Every second of my time invested in a person equals the extent of my relationship with them.

Exactly every calorie I consume and exactly every calorie I burn equals my weight.

Every joule of my energy I expend in an activity equals the level of my skill.

Every joule of my energy I expend in developing a relationship with someone equals the depth of that relationship.

Every kilometre I run or bike equals the level of my endurance and heightens my skill.

... And that's just the tip of the ice berg.

Mathematically speaking, life is actually quite black and white.  The answer to why I'm not better at playing the piano makes complete sense.  The reason I'm not better friends with some people is obvious.  The size and shape of my body isn't a confusing riddle.  Kristen Gibb, me as a whole, entire, complete person, is everything that resides on the right side of this: =

Since realizing this, I've done some thinking of what I want to be on the right side of the equal sign.  I want to be a more meaningful friend, more talented and dedicated to some of my passions, a more active member of my faith.  To do this, I have to embrace exactly what is required on the left side of the equation.  This made me realize something more.  The importance of just ONE day.

Days add up.  Seven days equals one week.  Three or four weeks is a month.  Days matter because they quickly become something more.  What you do with each day is vital to the equation of yourself.  It really sucked when I realized this, but there are somethings in my life now that I can't go a single day without.  

I need to exercise EVERY, SINGLE, DAY.  

I need to study my scriptures EVERY, SINGLE, DAY.  

I need to be conscious of what I eat EVERY, SINGLE, DAY.

There are some people that I need to speak to EVERY, SINGLE, DAY.

EVERY, SINGLE, DAY... 

...MATTERS.

Of all the classes I took in High School, it looks like math is the one I will NEVER, EVER escape.

RPP

An assortment of Kristen Gibb's regrets

- That time when I was 4 and I ran across the road to my friend Monique's house.  I tripped and fell right in the middle, turning my little face and knees into road rash.  My parents had told me not to.

- That time when I was 5 and I let myself get dared into fighting Sheldon, a boy in my neighborhood, at the park.  I punched him, he ran home to his mom, and then she came to the park and grabbed me and yelled at me.

- That time in grade two when I rode my bike to school SO FAST on the windiest day of the year.  Then I had to ride home after.  Straight into the wind.

- That time when I lived in Logan, Utah, during grade three when I was mean to a girl named Boxi because she annoyed me.

- That time in grade four when I played baseball in Mr. Nelson's class room with Richee before school started.  I pitched the ball to Richee and he hit it smack dab into the crop of sunflowers our class had planted in styrofoam cups that were growing in the window.

- That time in grade seven when I threw a basketball at a girl's head.  During a game.  Intentionally.

- That time in grade eight when I thought I had fast enough reflexes to swipe my finger underneath the sewing machine needle before it came back down.  And impaled my finger.

- That time in grade ten when I tried to pass a car on the highway.  And then the car turned left.  And the boy I had a crush on got out of the passenger seat.

- That time in grade twelve when I ignored a hunch on what I should study in university.

- That time living in Edmonton when I let a boy kiss me who had no intentions of dating me.

- That time I wrote a boy on his mission for two years without being more clear that I was interested in dating, not getting engaged as soon as he got home.

- That time I chugged a cup of chocolate from the chocolate fountain at my best friends wedding.

- The last time I ate at the Golden Coral.  And then barfed in a parking lot.  And was surrounded by cop cars.  

- All the times I've been quick to anger, careless with my words, or too competitive, and ended up hurting someone's feelings.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Oh, and I regret that one time I put sponge rollers in my hair.

I have some regrets.  Don't get me wrong though, regrets are alright.  I don't regret that I have regrets.  However, since I'm getting older, I'm trying to be wiser by decreasing the number of regrets I sustain.  Because a lot of regrets are preventable.  

So, starting new this summer, I have decided to launch the RPP, the Regret Prevention Plan.

Because of the RPP, I'm now spending the first summer of my life working somewhere other than the Raymond Pool.  In fact, I'm not even living in Raymond!!

Welcome to my new summer home, Waterton Lakes National Park.

And here's where I now work as a waitress, Zum's Eatery & Mercantile.

I'll admit I probably won't make as much money living and working out here as I would have living at home and working at the pool, but I couldn't be happier with this decision.  Thanks to the RPP, I now make decisions a little bit differently than I used to and am exceedingly happy with the results.

Do you ever imagine yourself 20, 30, or 40 years from now?  Well, when I considered whether or not to work in Waterton, I realized that as a 40 year old Kristen, I would inevitably regret not spending at least one summer working out here.  And my decision was made.  Simple as that.

With the RPP I look ahead to make a decision.  I consider how the Kristen one week, one month, one year, or 20 years older will feel about a choice I'm making now, about the consequences that will follow.  So far I really like how this plan is working for me.  And I'm really excited about the sorts of ideas and plans it's making pop up in my head.

Selling my car?

A semester abroad in Australia?

Event Management Certificate?

Life's too short to waste one minute of it doing something you'll regret.  However, it's also long enough for you to accomplish all the little things you might regret having not done when you're old and grey.  So let the RPP work for you.  

Pahaha, I'm a nerd.

Girls.

Hi.  

Yeah, I know it's been two weeks.  

But it's because one Sunday I did this - 

Which made me stay up late and feel like this - 

And then a few days later I got on one of these - 

And flew here - 

While there, I spent a lot of time out here - 

Doing this -

And I finished both of these - 

One day I went to a market and shopped at places like this - 

Another day I travelled two hours in a van to check out this - 

But all the while, I felt kinda like this - 

Because I hadn't worked on this - 

So I spent some time just doing this - 

And I kept thinking about what I was reading in this - 

Because it was making me realize why I've always been secretly annoyed with these -

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I don't know why, but as far as I can remember I've been subconsciously estranged from girls.  I played with boys at recess.  I've flirted with boys since Junior High.  And I still find it much easier to make friends that are guys today. 

I've never really been able to explain this strange withdrawal from my gender.  Yet, while reading Emma, many of my arguments and frustrations with the feminine were beautifully illustrated in nearly every single female character in this book.  For example,

The dear Miss Bates 

Chattier than a parrot or a five year old kid with ADD, I wouldn't be surprised if nearly a quarter of this book is composed of her dialogue.  Although all of the characters in this book care for Miss Bates, she was oftentimes the butt of a joke due to her unstoppable mouth.  

I've grown up hearing facts about girls being superior communicators, but these pieces of information were always delivered with the connotation that girls are "big mouths" or "talk too much".  It seems as if many girls are terrified by silence or in love with hearing the sound of their voice.  And just because a few girls are like this, all are stereotypically "chatty".

The heroine Emma Woodhouse

Convinced it is her duty to make desirable matches between the young men and women in Highbury, Emma spends a great deal of time getting in the way of fate.  Throughout the book, Emma's imagination twists a gentleman's glance into a longing look of infatuation, thus creating the endless drama and plot of this novel by leading her friend astray and toying with emotions. 

I've grown up watching TV shows and movies where girls are let down or lead astray by their imaginations.  These plots filled with their actions and emotions have permanently stamped a "drama queen" or "silly girl" title on all females it seems. 

However...

After reading Emma, I've realized I'm not exactly annoyed by girls in general, I'm annoyed with these feminine stereotypes.  I'm annoyed that just because I'm a girl, I'm chatty and drawn to drama.  I'm annoyed that just because I'm a girl, I'm weak and fickle.  I'm annoyed that just because I'm a girl, I'm expected to look and act a certain way.  I know that I'm not, but just because I'm a girl, I'm stereotyped into this two dimensional character with little depth and intelligence.  And because I'm annoyed by all of this, I have unconsciously distanced myself from all girls.

Thank goodness there was one character in this book who depicted a good girl quality.

The motherly Mrs Weston

Introduced as a newly wed, readers soon find out that Mrs Weston had served as Emma's governess while she was growing up.  It also turns out that Emma's mother passed away while she was a young girl, forcing Mrs Weston to assume the role of mother.  Throughout the book, Mrs Weston serves as a mother to many characters, ranging from her new husbands grown son, Mr Churchill, to Emma's friend Harriet, to her new born daughter Anne at the end of the book.  Mrs Weston is the steady, consistent, caring, nurturing, and sacrificing epitome of a mother.

For many girls, nothing comes more naturally than acting as a caregiver and nurturer.  I'll admit that I'm not especially gifted with these tendencies, but like many virtuous traits, it's a work in progress.  Fortunately, I was blessed with a mother much like Mrs Weston, who has sacrificed much and blessed my life with countless hours of service, love, instruction, discipline, work, and play, which has shaped me into the person I am today.  I love my mom and I appreciate her example of motherhood.  And what's more, I'm beginning to realize what a compliment it is that just because I'm a girl, I'm caring and sensitive to the needs of others.  Or at least I'm working on it.