Joy in the Journey

I love to run races.  


This weekend I participated in one of the hardest and most fun races I've ever done: the Waterton-Glacier Relay.

Starting in Cardston at 6 AM on Saturday, this race stretched 100 miles all the way to East Glacier, Montana, going through the Chief Mountain Border crossing.

There were 12 people on my team.  We each had to run two legs of the race, with each leg ranging from 5 to 9 kilometres.  There were hills galore and the wind was down right treacherous in some places, but the beautiful scenery made up for it.

I'll admit, I didn't realize exactly how competitive I am until running this race.  When it was my turn to run it was as if a switch got flicked in my head and all I wanted to do was hunt people down and pass them.  After running my first leg between Leavitt and Mountain View and passing six people I found myself starting to take things sort of serious.  I wanted my team to place well!  I started to dwell on our times and how many people we were passing and how much farther we had to run instead of simply enjoying the amazing experience of running with a great group of friends in a spectacular place.

Fortunately, after running my second leg, I was able to snap out of competition mode.  This leg started in St. Mary's and went up the steep curving highway towards Browning.  It was torture!  Not once did the highway ease up, I had to run uphill for over 6 kilometres.  Thankfully, my team was there with me for every step of the journey, pulling ahead and cheering for me, offering me water, and letting me know just how much further there was.  I don't think I've ever had so many people rooting for me and being genuinely excited for me to finish than after completing this leg, which made me realize how silly I had been for getting caught up in the competition and forgetting the most important part of the race: the experience.

As we continued to draw closer to the finish line, I began to ponder on how many other "races" exist in my life, where I allow myself to lose sight of the journey and find myself focussing on the end result.  Goodness gracious I'm guilty!  The biggest "race" currently being my schooling.

I can't wait to graduate with a degree so I can move away from Calgary for the rest of my life.  I've calculated how to finish things as fast as possible and have devoted myself to taking as many classes as possible.  I spend eight months of the year hibernating until I can finally move home for the summer.  I'm racing to get the heck out of there.  And because of this, I'm missing out on enjoying the journey of attending university, meeting new friends, and living away from home.

It's a such a pity.  This decade or so of young adulthood is so often wasted by focussing on the finish line.  So many exciting things are in store, such as graduating, starting a career, and getting married, that we forget to take a deep breath and really cherish every inch of the race towards them.  From now on, I want country roads, sidewalks, and treadmills to be the only things I race on.  My life is too good to speed through by wishing every phase of it to hurry up.  It's time to find joy in the journey.

Love Her.

My perspective changed a lot this week.

On Monday my Mom and I were driving home from a quick trip into Raymond.  Us Gibbs are a relatively quiet bunch, so as usual, we were sitting there in silence.   That is, until I broke it with a very random topic of discussion.

"I don't think that I hate anyone."

My Mom laughed and then reminded me of a certain boy that has caused me a lot of grief, yet after some deep consideration, I felt comfortable saying I didn't hate him.  So then I asked her,

"Do you hate anyone?"

She listed a person or two who had caused her a lot of grief, but again, after some consideration, she felt comfortable saying she didn't hate anyone either.

And that was the extent of our conversation.

Then that night I did something dumb.  I knew it was dumb even before I did it.  I knew it was dumb while I was doing it.  And I was certainly convinced that it was dumb after finishing it.  I ate a large blizzard.  And I felt sick.  Sick to my stomach for eating that much ice cream and sick to my stomach because I realized I had lied to my mom earlier that day.  There is someone that I hate!  Or at least someone that I treat as if I hate them.  And that person is myself.  Kristen Gibb.

Now, don't get me wrong, this isn't some kind of crazy admission of passionate self-hatred.  I promise my journal isn't full of hate notes and I definitely don't fantasize about hurting myself or ending things.  What I am saying is that I am guilty.  Guilty of treating myself very poorly.  Treating myself like I hate myself.  And I realized this while writing in my journal that night.

This might be a little silly, but sometimes when I reread my journal, it just doesn't seem or sound like I wrote it.  So whoever had the pen that night, here's what they had to say:

"As I've gotten older, I've become more aware of the type of love a mother must have for her own children. A sacrificing, ultimate sort of Love. ... What I'm trying to say is, [I think] being a mother is the closest love on Earth in similitude of Heavenly Father's or the Savior's Love.  What I'm trying to figure out is, why don't/can't we learn to Love OURSELVES this way?!  Why does everyone revert to being self-destructive instead of self-constructive, and self-admiring, and self-LOVING?!  

... I want to love myself. I want to treat myself as well as a mother treats her new born baby.  I want to do what is right for myself.  I want to cater to my NEEDS and occasionally splurge on fulfilling a WANT.  Mothers do not let their children eat junk food all day - although their children may want to.  Mothers do not let their children stay up all night - although they may want to.  Mothers do not let their children do inappropriate things - although their children may want to.  Mothers LOVE their children INFINITELY and ETERNALLY.

So why can't I love myself this way?  I think things are actually supposed to be this way.  But then the adversary convinces us that it's weird or uncool or more mature to begin destroying ourselves once our Mothers aren't in charge anymore."

I think I might be on to something.  It's not cool to call myself names.  It's not cool to think negative thoughts whenever I look in a mirror.  It's not cool to sit around and waste my time and potential.  It's not cool to eat until I feel sick.  It's not cool to stay up so late that the next day is shot.  Doing things like this definitely don't prove that I love myself.  

All those years where I was convinced my Mom and Dad hated me were really the exact opposite.  They never called me names.  They never pointed out physical "flaws".  They tried really hard to keep me busy.  They never let me eat junk food all day, or night.  And they were keen to get me to bed at a decent time.  Actions really do speak louder than words.  Although I was told "I love you" daily, these simple rules and actions are what really proved their love for me.

I think it's time to start being my own parent.  It's time to actually show myself the tender loving care I deserve.  It's time for my actions and words to be in harmony towards myself. 

I want to honestly say, "I don't think I hate anyone," next time that conversation comes up.

A Goal.

First off -

I really appreciated all the comments and advice I got after last weeks post.  In fact, I wrote them all in my journal.  It's so refreshing to get another persons perspective on a topic.  

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

On June 1, 2011, I set a goal.  So far I've carried it out completely.

On June 11, 2011, I was completely inspired by another person's goal.  

Ever hiked Bear's Hump?  You can't go to Waterton Lakes National Park without hiking it.  It's THE hike to do, probably because it is closest to the town site, only 1 km up, and boasts a spectacular view for such a short distance.  However, the 250 m climb in elevation makes Bear's Hump much more strenuous than imagined.  Which is why I decided to hike Bear's Hump everyday of the summer, with the exception of Sundays.  

Stairs and Switchbacks GALORE!!

But the view is SO worth it!

On Saturday I hurried up the "Hump", timing myself for the first time.  I was feeling pretty good about hiking it in 15 minutes, trying to catch my breath and wiping the sweat off my face, when a familiar voice said, "Kristen?"  Long story short, my ex-roomie and her family had climbed Bear's Hump with a certain family member in celebration of their birthday.  That certain family member happened to be her GRANDMOTHER.  And she happened to be celebrating her 90TH BIRTHDAY!  My ex-roomie's Grandma climbed Bear's Hump on her 90th birthday!

It seems like our culture and society has a predetermined course for a person's life to take and a collection of age-appropriate activities we have to follow.  I'm so grateful and inspired by amazing people, especially women, who choose to completely ignore the status quo.  Thank you Fontella Boehme, I meant it when I said you are my hero!

Wanted: Your Comments and Advice.

You are super cool if you know what this is from.

BALANCE.

What a precariously precious quality balance is.  Literally and figuratively.  

Literally, I am absolutely average at balancing myself.  I mastered the Pogo stick while growing up and can walk across a balance beam alright.  However, I did manage to sprain my wrist skateboarding back in High School.  It's really just a matter of give and take with me.

Figuratively, I struggle with finding balance in my life.  Especially during the summer time.  I realize the importance of developing and strengthening relationships, making time for family, and just plain hanging out and having fun with friends.  However, time invested exclusively in myself is just as important and is often neglected quite badly when the sun is shining and slurpee runs and bonfires abound.  I need to take the time to exercise.  I need to spend time studying my scriptures.  I need "me time".  Now here's the question.  How in the world do I find the balance between these two areas of my life?

I think it's accurate to say that I have yet to experience the sort of equilibrium I want in these two areas.  And that scares me.  Because doesn't it just get harder when I get older?  Harder when I have a job, a husband, a family of my own, bigger church callings, and so on?  If I can't balance my life between these two areas, how in the world will I be able to balance all these future areas later in my life?!

Please help me.  I don't care who you are or if you even know me.  I want you to let me know your tricks or secrets to living a more balanced life.  How do you balance between work and play?  How do you make sure you accomplish what needs to be done and what you want to do?  Is writing a "To Do List" for every day of your life how you keep things balanced?  Is getting up early every day the answer?  Then let me know that.  I'm begging you to comment on this blog post.  Literally begging.  Who knows, your little insight could possibly solve this problem entirely and people all over the world will rejoice at the solution to living a balanced life.  Every comment counts.  Count yourself in.  Please.

And thank you.