How To Know If You're Successful.

Disclaimer.  This post is incredibly boring.  I wrote it in order to vent and more fully understand something I just discovered.

I believe I may have been born with the innate need and desire to constantly be judging my performance and measuring my success.  Although I can't really remember being a baby, I'm sure that I was right there with my mom in judging how well I could sleep through the night, how good I was eating, and how quickly I was developing motor skills.

Okay, that might be a bit of a stretch, but honestly, as far back as I can remember I have been so keenly aware of the need to know how well I am doing in life.  And there have been a plethora of different ways to measure my success.

In grade one, I knew I was successful because I could finish the writing assignments quickly, I had hardly any "ZAPS", I got to check out books from the library, and got to play soccer with the boys.  And things didn't change much from grade one throughout the rest of my schooling.  

I knew I was successful by the grades I received.  A bad grade didn't just mean I wasn't doing well in a class, it meant I wasn't doing well in life.

I knew I was successful by how little trouble I managed to get in.  If I was reprimanded or lectured by a teacher, it wasn't about my specific slip up in behaviour at that moment, it was directly related to an overall lack of success.

I knew I was successful by the privileges or milestones I reached.  If it took me longer than anyone else to achieve something, my level of success went plunging.

I knew I was successful in sports by the playing time I got, the goals I scored, the ribbons I received, and the trophies I won.  If any of these numbers went down, so did my success.

As I got older, instead of growing content with what I had achieved, I only introduced more ways to measure, judge, scale, and weigh exactly how well I was doing in life.

Success was how quickly I could finish my Personal Progress.

Success was how much I weighed.

Success was how far I could run.

Success was how much money I made.

Success was how many compliments I received.

Success was what I wore.

Success was who I dated.

Success was literally dictating my life.

And I couldn't escape it.

Then something funny happened.  Within the past month or two actually.  I don't know if it was gradual or if I just woke up one morning changed, but something happened.  And I realized it yesterday.  I DON'T CARE ANYMORE.

I don't care what grades I get in school.  I'll still do my best, but I don't care what grade I walk away with.

I don't care if someone isn't enthused with me.  It's not like I'm a hooligan that goes out of my way to wreak havoc, I behave myself like any good and kind adult.  So I don't care if someone is cheesed with me for no particular reason.

I don't care how quickly I reach a milestone.  If it's going to happen, it's going to happen.

I don't care if I score a goal in my next soccer game.  I'll still do my best, but my success doesn't depend on scoring a goal.

I don't care how much I weigh.  I eat healthy, exercise, and take good care of myself.  The rest is just some superficial number.

I don't care how much money I make.  As long as my basic needs are taken care of, I don't care.

I don't care what I wear or what clothes I own.  I dress modest and nice and that's all that matters.

I just plum don't care anymore.

And that scared me.

HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW IF I AM SUCCESSFUL?!?

If all of the things I used to measure and judge my level of success on suddenly became null and void, how in the world am I supposed to know if I'm successful or not?

That question has literally been haunting me.  See, although I don't care about those old measures of success, I still care about being successful.  And if I have nothing to measure it with, how am I supposed to know?  I need to know!  

Well, I went to the best place I could think of for an answer.  www.lds.org.  And I did get an answer.  An amazing one too.

In April 2010, Julie B. Beck gave a talk called "And upon the Handmaids in Those Days Will I Pour Out My Spirit".  And here is my answer:

"Good women always have a desire to know if they are succeeding.  In a world where the measures of success are often distorted, it is important to seek appreciation and affirmation from proper sources.  To paraphrase a list found in Preach My Gospel, we are doing well when we develop attributes of Christ and strive to obey His gospel with exactness.  We are doing well when we seek to improve ourselves and do our best.  We are doing well when we increase faith and personal righteousness, strengthen families and homes, and seek out and help others who are in need.  We know we are successful if we live so that we qualify for, receive, and know how to follow the spirit.  When we have done our very best, we may still experience disappointments, but we will not be disappointed in ourselves.  We can feel certain that the Lord is pleased when we feel the spirit working through us.  Peace, joy, and hope are available to those who measure success properly."

I'm so grateful to have received such a direct answer to this small problem of mine.  

I can't wait to start measuring my success on this scale.  

The Little Picture

I like to think that I have an eye for the "Big Picture".

In school I can usually see the finished project as soon as the first assignment is made.  I know exactly how I want things to unfold and exactly how things should look.  

When undertaking big tasks, I am quick to map out all the necessary steps and the most efficient way to complete each one.  Again, I know exactly how I want things to unfold and exactly how things should look.

More often than not, I'm looking ahead.  To the next week, the next month, the next semester, and so on.  And again, I know exactly how I want things to unfold and exactly how things should look.

Usually, I am consciously planning and allocating each hour of my time.  And yet again, I know exactly how I want things to unfold and exactly how things should look.

And then I got engaged and learned a valuable lesson.

I like to think I can handle stress well, but the stress that accompanied the need to plan a wedding was completely unsurmountable.  I was never the girl to dream and plan exactly how I wanted my magical wedding day to unfold.  So when the question was popped, the next step was to literally start planning from scratch.  And I couldn't believe all the things that needed planning.  

"What in sam heck are wedding favors?"

It turns out that the tight ship I run with my daily life, where I am constantly obsessing and picturing that elusive "Big Picture", was enough to push me overboard.  Instead of thinking about and deciding on one thing at a time, for example "find a dress", my mind was amuck with the following:

"find a dress find shoes find jewellery find a hairstyle find a hairpiece be sure to match with Jon order the dress buy the shoes buy the jewellery buy the hairpiece practice the hairstyle figure out a way to match with Jon pick wedding colors look for photographers show favorite photographers to Jon pick a photographer book the photographer make a budget pick bridesmaids pick a maid of honor pick dresses for the bridesmaids make sure the bridesmaids like their dresses order the dresses make sure the dresses fit make sure the dresses match show Jon what you want the groomsmen to wear suggest to Jon what you want him to wear pick a date make sure that everyone can attend on that day make sure we can get married in the temple book the temple take engagement pictures decide what we should wear for the engagement pictures pick our favorite engagement picture decide what the invites should look like make the invites decide who gets invited make the guest list make the family dinner list mail out the invites print extras in case we forgot anyone decide where the family dinner will be should we have a family dinner should we have a reception pick the dang place what if it isn't big enough for everyone should it be adults only what should we feed everyone at the family dinner will everyone be happy if we feed that at the family dinner what should we serve at the reception will everyone be happy if we serve that at the reception who should we invite to the reception again who should we ask to be at the guestbook should we have a receiving line what should we do in Calgary where should the open house be what should we serve at the open house will everyone be able to fit at the open house how can we save more money should we register somewhere what have I forgotten Is everybody happy should I just do what everyone else wants oh yeah and don't forget to pick wedding favors"

And I sincerely wish I was joking about that, but I'm not.  Anyways, what I'm trying to say is that my so-thought talent for being able to see the "Big Picture" nearly institutionalized me.  Thankfully, my wonderful mother stepped in, refusing to let me plan anything, anymore.  Honestly, I think I would have lost 10 years from my life if I had gone on like that until May 4th.

After being fired from planning my own wedding I realized the "Big Picture" is only "Big" because thinking and stewing about it all the time is a "Big Mistake".  And I'm super guilty in more ways than just wedding planning.  I allow myself to be distracted by this terrible "Big Picture" on a daily basis.  And it's actually quite sad.  Because then I miss out on something even better, the "Little Picture".

So, I've decided to take this picture off my wall...

And I'm going to replace it with this one...

And quite frankly, I think the "Little Picture" looks better.

Hoops

I can relate to this picture.

Yes, I do own a pair of high-waisted skinny jeans and perhaps when I was young I wore white socks with Mary Janes.  However, the real target of this picture that I relate to is the dog.  Yup, the dog and I have stuff in common.  Real important stuff too.

After starting yet another semester, I can't help but feel like a dog that is forced to jump through hoops.  Mount Royal University is the girl with a hoop and the allusive biscuit, known as a degree, held high in her hands.  And I, Kristen Gibb, am the mere minion of a dog that must jump both high and low through each hoop, with the hopes and dreams of having that biscuit tossed to me in the end.  Each hoop is different.  And some hoops really suck.  Last semester I had to jump through one of those burning hoops, you know the ones covered in flames?  The girl with the biscuit called it "Business Statistics."

After nursing my burns from that "Business Statistics" hoop, I realized that the hoop parade is never going to end.  I also realized that I've been jumping through hoops nearly my entire life.

Back in High School I jumped through hoops to get my lifeguarding certification, taking what seemed like an endless amount of courses qualifying me to both lifeguard and teach swimming lessons.

  I jumped through hoops to get my High School diploma, writing essays, dissecting sheep eye balls, singing in choirs, and so on.

I jumped through hoops to finally get engaged to my best friend, going on dates where I had to buy my own movie ticket, third wheeling, and worst of all, feeling just plain lonely and hopeless.

Girls, good fiances let you take them to thrift stores to play dress-up.

Since making this connection, I've realized that anything big, important, worthwhile, memorable, or just plain good requires the effort of jumping through a couple hoops to get there.  Sometimes the hoops don't make sense.  Sometimes they might look out of your reach.  Sometimes they might be engulfed by flames.  But trust me, in the end, they're always worth jumping through.

So with the start of this new semester, I opted for a hoop I have secretly wanted to jump through for a long time now.  I've always considered myself a closet thespian, so I can see myself thoroughly enjoying the jump through the hoop called "Introduction to the Theater."  I belong in the theater...

Showing Off...

I'm learning it's okay to show off sometimes.  For example, it's okay to blurt out that you're engaged and then flaunt your ring.  In fact, some people will get mad at you if you don't when they see you and then they find out later.  So now I know.

I can't help but want to show off these.  Jon and I had engagement pictures taken a week ago and we're just speechless with how much we love them.  Perhaps you would like to comment and say which one you liked best?

Anyways, these pictures literally say a thousand words.  We had them taken at an abandoned house out past Granum where Jon and I went exploring while we were first dating.  While looking through the spectacular two story home, I went out on a limb and said, "This place is perfect.  There is plenty of room for the kids, lots of work space for you in the shops, and I love the view.  Let's make an offer!"  It's been our home ever since.

Please enjoy my showing off...

Yes Dear.

Jon's Personal Favorite.

Home Sweet Home

Not So Peculiar

I don't know why, but I honestly grew up thinking I was the only fish in the sea.  Or rather, a member of a group of fish that were the only fishes like that in the sea.  And everyone knows the saying goes, "birds of a feather need to flock together!"

Wait a second, I thought I was talking about fish.

Anyways, what I'm getting at is that I grew up thinking that because I was Mormon I didn't have anything in common with people who were not.  Because I was a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, it meant I was absolutely different from everyone else out there.  I was fundamentally "peculiar and proud" and there was no need to go about associating with those Non-Mormons who obviously all drank alcohol, did drugs, and believed in divorce and destroying families.  

And so I kept to myself.  But it was kind of hard and confusing.  Because at the same time as being told to keep myself "unspotted from the world", I was urged to share the gospel and introduce people to The Book of Mormon.  What the heck?!  

So I did my best, cautiously and carefully trying to share my religion with those Non-Mormons I was so very, very different from.

Then something happened.

I got a job waitressing in Waterton last summer.

And I was suddenly surrounded by people I had so much in common with.  

And they weren't even Mormon.

My boss Laura was phenomenal.  She is even more passionate about running than I am.  The self-discipline she exercises on a daily basis towards her physical fitness is simply outstanding and I hope to someday be a fraction as dedicated as she is.  Not only did we having training and triathlons in common, Laura and her husband Rod had travelled to South America on several occasions and were even more passionately in love with the Peruvian culture than myself.  

I'm not the only person in the world who loves to train and compete and travel to South America.

My co-worker Mike was simply intriguing.  I figured I was a deep thinker after reading "Atlas Shrugged" and oftentimes felt strapped to find someone interested in talking about philosophy.  Mike's intellect astounded me and I found myself always trying to start some kind of debate or discussion with him.

I'm not the only person in the world who basks in intelligent conversation and deep thinking.

My co-workers Kate and Hailey were absolutely angelic.  I'll always remember the conversations we shared where they opened up about their values and standards.  It was so surprising and then absolutely fantastic to come to the realization that other religions and faiths value the exact same things I do.  Their perspective and example of dedication to their own faith left me feeling like I needed to improve.  I cherish the things they taught me, both through their words and example.

I'm not the only person in the world to follows a religion that teaches me to be kind and Christlike.

Just because you belong to a certain faith or are the only person for miles around that enjoys talking about Objectivism doesn't mean that you are absolutely different from everyone else on the face of the planet.

Ultimately, we're all just people trying to live our lives.  We're all just trying to be happy.  We all try to do our best.  We all have people who love us and we all have people we love too.  We're all learning something new each day.  We're all here just trying to live our lives.  And the moment you come to realize this, that's the moment you realize the world is full of people you have something in common with, despite all of our differences. 

2011.08.22

I only had one goal for 2011.  And I realized yesterday that I never even blogged about it.

It wasn't a New Year's Resolution.  It was more just the sheer determination to complete a specific task.  A hard task.  A real challenge.  My mind was made up that I would climb the Triple Crown in one day, no matter what.  I would have even hiked it alone if things came to that.  Fortunately they didn't.

If you're not familiar with what the Triple Crown is, it's a challenge extended to the hikers of Waterton Lakes National Park to complete three hikes within a summer.  The hikes are Crypt Lake (17.2 km), Akamina Ridge (21 km), and Carthew-Alderson (18 km).  Scott Leishman, Shawn Elford, and myself did all three of these hikes, in that order, in one single day.  And it was phenomenal.

Hiking the Triple Crown in one day was a great way to:

See the sunrise

Have a snowball fight in August

Be literally blown away

Be one with nature

Get to know two people really, really well

Hiking the Triple Crown in one day goes down as THE most epic adventure I have been on to date.  Although I got to share in such a wide range of experiences, I have to admit the best part of this day was coming to a realization of just how powerful a determination and resolve I can have when I set my mind to something.  A feat deemed nearly impossible by most was made child's play by a few people who allowed themselves to think it could and would be done.  

If anything, 2011 was the year that showed me the power of my own mind.  If I want to hike over 56 km in one day, I can do it.  If I want to ride my bike from Waterton to Raymond, I can do it.  Yet this strange power can work against me too if I let it.  If I want to be a drama queen, I can do that.  If I want to whine and complain about marriage, I can do that.  Whatever thought I let stew and brew in my mind is exactly what I can achieve.  My thoughts dictate my determination and persistence.  And at the moment, I'm realizing I need to seriously change my attitude in regards to planning a wedding.  I'm kind of being a really big whiner about that.  I'm sorry Jon.

So let 2012 be a year where I harness my thoughts, where I rid myself of the destructive and negative thoughts that hinder me from growing and going places.  2012, I come in peace.  And I simply CANNOT wait for May 4th to get here ...