Trying to Rekindle a Romance

I remember the day like it was yesterday.  I remember the way I felt especially.  It was such an overwhelming desire and a will so strong I could hardly fight  the urge to follow it.  So I didn't fight it.  I let myself fall completely head over heels in love.  I allowed myself to be consumed.  And I did so happily and without any regret.  My first real romance, my first real love.  And as many can relate, the first love is supposed to last forever, or at least that's all you can possibly imagine happening.

Allow me to introduce you to my first love.

For almost ten years, I have been imprisoned by the romance of working out, exercising, but especially running.  That is, until recently.

Is it odd to feel like you've broken up with running?  Wait, I should backup, is it odd to feel as if you're in a relationship with running?  Probably.  But I don't care.  Ask any other runner out there if they feel as if they have some sort of tie to running.  If someone goes as far as to call themselves a runner, then they most likely feel quite strongly about the sport.

Anyways.  Rather than going on about my mushy-gushy feelings for running, I prefer to talk more about the "breaking-up" part.  This is because I'm positive that I'm not the only person who has suddenly had a falling out with a hobby or interest that has consumed so much of them in the past.  If you haven't, then please forgive me for my blabber, and please don't think I'm a crazy person for going off about this.

So about the "break-up," because who doesn't love a good break-up story?  To make a really weird, long story short, all I'll say is that there was a home-wrecker, and that home-wrecker was Depression.  And quit possibly laziness.  But mostly Depression.  Here's why.

Since being diagnosed, I've done some serious soul searching, trying to figure myself out and gain a better understanding of what was going on.  I came to realize that before things actually reached the all-time low I was already on a slow descent.  Running was how I dealt with it.  Running gave me control.  Running made me feel powerful.  Running filled my body and mind with endorphins.  And they felt awesome.  Finally I reached a point where not even running could help me out.  Sure, it would give me momentary happiness, but when the endorphins expired, so would my rationality.  I'm sure Jon's favorite days of our first few months of marriage were the days I could get myself out and running.

Finally I accepted my problem.  I acknowledged that I need help.  But not without a big and ugly battle.  It's hard to admit you handle your problems on your own.  So I started taking candy... Or at least that's what I call it haha.  And it has fixed the problem that I've spent years using working out and exercise to fix.  I'm not saying that all the sudden I'm perfect and cured.  Heavens no.  What I'm saying is that I no longer have the same obsessive and almost pathological drive to exercise like I used to.  And I feel empty.  I'm not used to dreading a trip to the gym.  It's so foreign to me to make excuses to not exercise, but I still do it almost daily.  I thought I was a runner!  I thought that was who I AM.  So why don't I want to do it anymore?

To be honest, it's probably the darn candy, but so what?!  Although running used to be my drug, it was still also fun!  So why can't I do it for fun's sake?

After months of contemplation and conversation with myself, I've come to a conclusion.  I need to rethink my approach.  Changing is the most constant part of the human experience.  No matter what, everyone changes.  And change isn't always a bad thing.  It's how we adapt to it that can be bad.  So here are my own adaptations to the change I've just described.

1.  Change the Definition.  In the past, working out has always meant pushing myself to my absolute limits.  A work-out wasn't good enough if it was under half hour.  A 10 km run wasn't good enough if it took over an hour.  I wasn't exercising if there wasn't sweat pouring down my face.  Obviously this is all false, but to the old Kristen it was exercise doctrine.  Nowadays, this definition has changed completely.  And it was kind of hard to do that, but I had to.  Exercise no longer means pushing myself to the limit.  Exercise can be 20 minutes long if that's all I'm feeling like.  Exercise can be more than just running.  And Exercise can in fact be a time of peaceful meditation.  To be honest, if I hadn't changed this definition, I'm pretty sure I would still be hiding from the gym.

2.  Slow Down the Tempo.  Going along with the previous comment, another thing that really helped with getting myself back to the gym was changing the type of music I listened to while working out.  Before, my music reflected my mindset.  High energy, fast paced, fist pumping, typical aerobic exercise music.  The first few times back at running, this music only stressed me out because it made me feel like I had to push harder.  Finally I decided to listen to the kind of music I listen to while relaxing.  Folky, chill, alternative music.  The difference was tangible.  I had the most peaceful and wonderful run I had had in a long time.  Aren't sure you can work-out with slow music?  Give Cider Sky a try, they help wean you off the Top 40 pop stuff.  It's still a quick tempo, but the music is still relatively chill.

3.  Do Something Different.  Back in my control freak days, doing the exact same workout, everyday of the week was perfect.  Because it meant that I was in control.  Nowadays, I get bored.  It's already hard in the first place to get myself in the gym, doing the same boring workout day after day would be torture.  So now I like to experiment.  For some reason I have an exercise aversion to working out my abs.  To fix this, I've discovered I can take a boring abdominal workout (ie. crunches) and make them super awesome by adding in the challenge of keeping my balance.  Think doing sit-ups on a yoga ball. Think doing sit-ups on a yoga ball balancing on only one leg.  Think doing plank on a bosu-ball.  Think doing plank on a bosu ball, working your palms to the edges and center, back and forth.  By thinking outside the box, I've found I can make exercising more interesting.

To sum things up, I guess what I'm trying to say is that although you may change, it is possible to adapt to the changes.  There isn't only one way of doing something, even if you've only used one way for almost 10 years.  Think of obstacles, or "break-ups" as an opportunity to widen your horizon, to discover new, and potentially even better, ways of doing things.  In conclusion, I believe the old saying goes...

Setting Out On A Grand Adventure

Last Christmas I got the most wonderful present from my Grandpa Gibb.  His autobiography.  Although it's really easy to procrastinate reading books when you're a busy university student, I decided this was one book I shouldn't hide on a shelf.  After a few pages in, I couldn't put it down.  I was taken captive by the amazing stories of his life, especially those of his childhood.  Stories of walking from the farm to school.  Stories of the kinds of pranks boys played back then.  Stories of watching the train tracks being laid to his hometown of Hillspring.  Stories of farming and the slow integration of modern technology into his livelihood.  Stories of meeting and falling in love with my Grandma.  Stories of a life well lived and a legacy to be proud of.

I was sad to finish this wonderful book, but what I felt even more than sadness after turning the last page was jealousy.  I was and still am unbelievably jealous of the world my Grandpa grew up in and the life he has had the privilege of living.  I wish that I lived out on a farm.  I wish that walking and horse riding were my main means of transportation, and that cars were a luxury.  I wish that each day I got out of bed early to work hard until sunset.  To physically work hard, rather than relying on technology to complete my tasks of the day.  I wish that conversation wasn't a mere exchange of pop culture and social media.  I wish that phone calls and letters were how I showed people I was thinking about them, rather than posting a video to their wall on Facebook.  I wish that life was more tangible and meaningful.  It feels like the world I live in is so superficial and fleeting compared to the world my Grandpa grew up in not so long ago.

Rather than making life easier and better, I have the overwhelming feeling that technology is simply making life more complicated and shallow.  Is it just me, or do the people from our grandparents era just seem more real?  I believe things seem this way because they didn't have the kind of artificial distractions that we struggle with today.  Rather than losing themselves in what so-and-so just "tweeted" and the pictures what's-her-face just put up on Facebook, they lived in the world, their world, in the here and now.  They got to know exactly who they are.  They allowed themselves to filled with real substance, with real relationships, with real knowledge.  Today it seems like everyone is estranged from who they actually are.  We live in a world of imitations.  It's not cool to know yourself, your values, your thoughts, your world.  But it is cool to know what's going on in that magical place called cyberspace.

Although it's been almost a year since reading Grandpa's autobiography, I haven't been able to quit thinking about the things I could do to dejunk my own life.  Ways that I could in a way mimic the life my Grandpa had "back in the day."  It has been relatively easy to come up with ideas.  Unfortunately, the implementation of those ideas is a completely different story.  I'm embarrassed to admit that there are things in my life I consider a need that are in NO way a need.  I don't need Facebook.  I don't need an iPhone with data.  I don't need those things at all.  I would continue to live quite nicely without them.  Then why can't I seem to just put them away for good?

I think the answer lies in the words be, do, have.  For some reason, it seems like we cut ourselves short of living the type of life we want to live because we convince ourselves that when we have what we want, like more time, then we'll be able to do the things that will make us happy, which will then make us be the type of person we want to be.  However, things don't usually work out that way.  I've been telling myself these have lies for almost a year!  When I have more time; when I have a job; when I have the energy, then I'll be able to do what I need to in order to be the Kristen I want to be.

Today I woke up and decided to flip those words around.  I've decided I'm sick of playing the waiting game.  I'm sick of wishing I could have a certain way of life and then doing nothing to get it.  Today I decided that I'm going to be the Kristen I want to by doing the sorts of things my Grandpa would have done back when he was my age.  I'm sure he wasn't on Facebook.  I'm sure he wasn't on his iPhone.  I'm sure he was living here and now.  And by doing this, I'm absolutely positive that I'll have the type of deep and real life I've been craving since reading my Grandpa's autobiography.

So I guess what I'm saying is that I'm going to dejunk my life.  And the first place I'm going to start is by deleting Facebook.  So, if you happen to find your way to my blog via Facebook, I invite you to find a different way of getting here.  I love having you come and check things out.  It makes my day to hear somebody took the time to snoop around my silly little blog.  Ways that you can continue to find your way here include: googling "near-life experience," I'm the fourth hit; bookmarking my page; becoming a follower; or following by e-mail.  Not too hard eh?

Well, it feels good to get all of this out of my system.  Have a nice weekend.

Blogging For The Sake Of Blogging.

I wish I had more time to blog.  I would write the most wonderful things.  Funny things.  Inspiring things.  I would seriously blow everyone's mind.  Okay, maybe not that, but I would really enjoy myself.  Instead I'm stuck writing ten page papers about Aristotle and Saint Augustine for a class.  I'm stuck making powerpoint presentations about Human Resources.  And I'm stuck writing notes about psychology.

Please enjoy a blog post about nothing.  I lack the time to put together something intelligent, so this is simply a post for the sake of blogging.  To satisfy my blogging craving.

1.  I like to take pictures on my iPhone and then edit them.  Instagram was getting overrated, so I found some other really neat photo editing apps.  They make my pictures more 'artistic'.  You should check out the apps, they are FilterMania 2 & BeFunky.  Here are some of my lovely pictures.

I post the finish product on Instagram after doing all the prior editing.  If you wanna follow me, I'm kgibbgibb.  Perhaps you've noticed I don't follow anyone.  I realized Instagram was an unnecessary time waster.  As much as I loved looking at everyone else's lovely pictures, I was spending too much time on it.  I love editing pictures of my own, but as soon as I start following people and randomly checking it every hour I feel like I've got a problem.  I'm a weirdo I know, but this seems to be working for me.

2.  I got asked to write a guest post on someone else's blog.  This is my first guest post ever.  You can read it HERE.  The blog is called Living Sideways.  Tara, the girl who writes it has a specific section called "Body Positive" where she asks people to write about how they are positive about their own self-image.  She's a really neat girl, you should check out more of her other "Body Positive" posts if you have the time.  And if that's something you're interested in.

3.  I mentioned before that I am a music thief.  I jack music from YouTube videos.  Please forgive me.  Anyways, I might as well share the wealth if I'm getting it all for free right?  Here are some cool bands/songs you should check out if you're bored.

I love chill folky music.  I even work out to it.  And study to it.  And wash the dishes to it.  

4.  The Gibb family got family pictures done.  I love them.  If you need a good photographer, check out my friend Arianne over at Everglow Photography.  Or you can follow her on her photography blog right HERE.  Enjoy some pictures.

We have a picture just like this from when we were little girls!

Gosh I just love my family :)

5.  Umm, my husband is the best.  I feel like we're just playing house.  We're seriously a couple of kids who give each other wedgies when the other one is least expecting it.  I love ya Jonny.

And that's about all I have time to write.  Forgive me for how random all this was.  Peace.

I Am Not A Zombie. Really.

One of the hardest parts of being diagnosed with depression was suddenly being put into a category with such a negative stigma. I went from being “Kristen the Normal and Mentally Sound” to “Kristen the Crazy and Mentally Unstable.” Because everyone knows mental illness is a really nice way of saying that a person is a psycho, right?

A big reason why I chose to be so candid and blog about my weakness is because I used to be one of “those” people; the kind of people that have very little understanding or compassion for mental illness.  Now that I am no longer one of "those" people, my goal is to help them better understand, and to also bring a positive voice to something that isn't just a "bad mood."

So today I present a documentary. Please enjoy.

Although the majority of my little documentary was cheesy and canned, I'm proud/embarrassed to admit I actually do stuff like that.  And I actually have depression.  Yeah, there can be some pretty dark times, but those times for me all took place before I sought treatment and chose to accept this trial.  Nowadays, I know that I am a stronger and happier person for having gone through this.  With the knowledge and experience I've gained from depression, I almost feel as if I'm a more fun loving and silly person.  I now have a better perspective of what really matters.  Trust me when I say laughing and being happy is one of those things.

Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not encouraging everyone to go out and start talking through a "hand jackal" or doing the "sexy dance" everywhere.  Those are just my signature moves.  What I do recommend is taking life easy and not making your trials, shortcomings, and weaknesses your identity or dictate your enjoyment of life.  

So in closing, I leave you with something that makes me laugh.  Really hard.  Check out this guy's blog, his pictures and humour kill me.  Some personal favourites are: "If Dating Was Five Times More Honest and Ten Times More Efficient" and "When People Ask Me Why I'm Not Dating Someone"

Or, you can just check out the whole blog by clicking on the button!