Getting Back in the Swing of Things

Like I said before, I think the very worst thing to do when things are going stinky is to sit around and think about it.  It's starting to surprise me how miserable I was last week!  Fortunately, I have made it a goal to keep busy this week and it has paid off.  I'm feeling fine.

With all of my new found spare time I've been able to do some of the things that I used to just sigh and say, "I wish I had more time, because then I could do this."  Today I edited some cool pictures from an adventure Jon and I went on with my Mom and Dad during Christmas Break.  Enjoy!

I also took the time to be a nerd and start another blog.  Now why in the world would I do that?  Let me explain.

After going through my struggle with Depression and then this miscarriage, I've realized that I've kind of let fitness, diet, and just general personal health slip very far to the wayside.  Long story short, I'm out of shape and I don't take as good of care of myself as I would like to.

However, another thing I have realized and accepted is that I simply don't have the energy and determination I used to have in regards to these things.  Honestly, I can't even imagine just getting up one morning and being the old, hardcore Kristen I used to be.  Fortunately though, I remember the tricks and habits I used to have up my sleeve back in those days.  Which is why I started this blog.  I plan to re-establish the good habits I used to have in my life.  And I plan to do so very slowly.  In fact, I plan to focus on only one habit for exactly three weeks.  Because it takes 21 days, or 3 weeks to form a habit right?

So, allow me to invite you to join in on The Habit Project.  I don't care who you are.  Whether you are young or not as young as you used to be; lazy or determined; married or single; pregnant or childless; or simply just want to incorporate some good things into your life, come check out The Habit Project.  I firmly believe that this is the easiest and most effective way to introduce good things into your life; by doing it slowly and steadily.

Don't worry.  Not all the habits will have to do with exercise.  And not all of the habits will have to do with your diet either.  Because honestly, not all good habits have to do with health and fitness.  And who says you have to even gain all these habits either?  You're completely allowed to visit The Habit Project simply for the ideas and insights I have to offer.

So, here ya go.  Another great blog for you to follow!

Getting More Optimistic

People are just so nice.  Thank you nice people.  You know who you are.

I'm beginning to see the light at the end of this tunnel people have been reassuring me about.  I'm confident the very worst part of this whole ordeal has been having so much time off to sit and stew about things.  Today I have kept busy and it has paid off.

I hope I haven't come off as a whiner.  That was never my intention.  I like to share hard stuff so that when someone else has the great pleasure of running into a similar experience they can know that they are definitely not alone.  That in fact, a bigger baby like myself survived that experience, so they can be reassured that they can do it too!

Since posting last, I have decided that it is nice to remember hard times, even if while you're going through it all you want to do is forget.  My dear mother gave me this little memento to remember.

My little angel.  To be honest, I've destroyed the wings because I actually slept with it for a couple nights.  Oh well.

I call this bookshelf "The Shrine."  It makes me smile these days.

Thanks for the tulips Hatchet.  I love them.

Anyways.  Thought I'd post something a little more optimistic than what I've been posting lately.  Life is good.  Here, listen to this song to make you even more happy.

Thanks for being nice, you nice people.  Have a good week.

How to Fail a Trial.

When I wrote my last blog post, I remember feeling cool as a cucumber.  I simply stated the stark news of an impending pregnancy termination, explained what was wrong with the little baby, and concluded feeling like I was the strongest and most awesome girl to ever have a miscarriage.

False.

Obviously, I don't hide much, or really anything at all, from my blog.  So it seemed only natural to punch out a little post about miscarriage.  I figured I'd be doing the world a great service by sharing my story and strength.  As the comments rolled in, I felt like I was the one offering comfort to my own comforters.  I felt fine.  I was totally over it.  I had everything under control.  After my struggles with depression, I was positive this trial was going to be baby stuff.  Excuse the pun.

But seriously, I was completely confident that the trials I had encountered thus far in my life, especially dealing with depression, had turned me into some kind of professional trial bearer.  In fact, I even liked trials.  I basked in the opportunity to be made a little uncomfortable, because as soon as it was all over, like two days later, I could feel myself having grown.  So long story short, I thought I was awesome and could kick any trial in the butt before it even started to sting.  We shall call this pride.

Well, on Monday, stuff got real.  Not even my trial super powers could protect me.  Since that day, I have been served a giant slice of humble pie for every meal and been forced to sit at the table until I have swallowed every crumb of it.  To be honest, I don't consider myself a proud person.  However, I must have been, because over the course of the past few days I have been humbled to a whole new low.  In fact, if I had a nice sackcloth and some ashes, I'd be wearing them.

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I think this might be a good look for me.

To sum things up, this trial has affected me in ways I didn't even imagine or consider.  I guess I started acting like I had already conquered it before it was even over.  Which consequently set me up to be knocked down even harder.  Whether it was my pride or just the way fate would have this trial play out, I have had the privilege to experience a wide spectrum of unfortunate things since blogging last Friday.  And the hardest thing to admit is that I don't think I handled anything very well.  In fact, if it's at all possible, I feel as if I completely failed this trial.

I panicked and dropped out of three classes because I've missed so much school.  Now I have no idea when I'm going to graduate or what I'm even doing with my life.

I pushed Jon away from me rather than leaning on him.  I figured I had everything under control and it would just make me more uncomfortable if he was around to see me in these humbling situations.

I was INSANELY stubborn to the nurses and doctors who were there to help.  I smuggled in and took relaxant drugs in order to potentiate the sedation.  I really don't remember much of that day at all...

And worst of all, I think I just made this trial harder for everyone else who was really just there to help.

If there has been anything to learn from this trial, it would have to be that there is no such thing as being an expert at handling trials.  They all suck and they all hurt to go through.  I did myself a huge disservice by assuming that I already had things under control.  I was certain I had already succeeded before things were even over.

I guess the biggest thing I've learned is that you need to be humbled before you can triumph over a trial.  

A Birthday Surprise

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I am pregnant.  Exciting eh?

In fact, I just saw the baby yesterday on an ultrasound screen.  It was moving and had a heart beat and everything.

Unfortunately, that was the last time I'll see my baby alive, or at all.  Because next Wednesday I'm not going to be pregnant anymore.

This week has not gone how I expected at all.  Monday was supposed to be an exciting and fun day.  Instead, it was filled with apprehension and fear as soon as the baby appeared on the screen of our very first ultrasound.

It was obvious something was wrong.  Obvious long before anyone sat down with us to say so.  Although we are not ultrasound technicians, Jon and I knew that the large, clear bump coming from the baby's neck was a red flag.

And then there were a bunch of clues to confirm it.  Such as...

the haunting silence being broken by the technician saying, "The doctor will go over the results with you after."

the second technician being sent in to "get some better pictures."

the looks of sadness and pity we received as we walked past the desk of nurses on our way to the consultation room.

and the watery eyes of the doctor as she walked into the room saying, "It doesn't look like your little guy is going to make it."

At only 13 weeks, it is obvious our baby has significant problems.  Besides that unsightly bump on its neck (a sure sign and predictor of chromosomal abnormalities), the baby is showing signs of heart failure.  Its little heart is beating much faster than normal and its teeny body is displaying signs of swelling. 

Although this baby is currently alive, the prognosis is so terrible that it is only a matter of time before it passes away and I miscarry.  Instead, the doctors have advised Jon and I that it would be best to go ahead and terminate the pregnancy before this occurs.

I asked a nurse how often they see a baby with these kinds of problems.  She told me that out of the 800 patients they see every month, only 4-10 will have the experience Jon and I am.  I told Jon we should go buy a lottery ticket.


So what does the future have in store?  Well, after confirming with several nurses that there is no possible way this baby will survive, I have been able to book a termination with a clear conscience.

The reason I was able to see the baby yesterday is because we had a procedure called Chorionic Villus Sampling performed in order to diagnose exactly what is wrong with the baby.  So far, the guess is that the baby has something called Triplody, a very rare disorder where every single chromosome pair has a third, extra chromosome.  My mom told me I always was an overachiever.


This has been tough.

It's been hard to have the nurses and doctors sympathize with me, seeing them sad makes me feel sad.

Seeing or hearing people I love cry or feel sad, makes me feel sad too.

Having the receptionist tell me yesterday that I should go out of my way to have a good birthday today because next year I'll be a mom was tough.  I calmly told her, "No.  I won't."

For a day or two, checking Facebook or reading blogs was hard.  It seems like everyone I know has a strong and healthy baby or is expecting one.

But at the same time, I am grateful.  I am grateful to have been trusted with a trial like this.  I have found such strength in my faith at this time.  I have such a special spot in my heart for trials.  I recognize them as an opportunity to grow.  I find myself feeling closer to God during them.  And I cannot think of a single trial in my life that did not turn out to be an amazing experience in the end.

In fact, just a few days ago, a good blog-friend left a comment I can't agree more with... 

"One day, in retrospect, the years of struggle will strike you as the most beautiful."

- Sigmund Freud

Another part of my faith that I have grown to appreciate more is the Plan of Happiness.  Although there is no real definitive doctrine on what exactly occurs or happens to the soul of a precious baby that is miscarried, this plan proves that only good things can, and from there as a mother you are free to think exactly what you want.  I have found strength in the words of other LDS mothers who have gone through this.  

The older sister of my sister's good friend takes the stance that her baby who passed away shortly after birth was needed back in heaven, that his soul was just to precious to spend much time here on earth.  Read her blog here.

When it comes to me and my situation, I relate a lot more to this women's perspective.  

Despite this trial, I'm still having a happy birthday.  I turned 24 today.  Feels exactly the same as turning 16 to be honest.  It's been a great day.  Because of the procedure, I got work off.  And because I'm lazy, I skipped my accounting lab this morning.

I also got to talk to a good friend and lighten the load of this burden by sharing it with her.  I love her guts.

I plan to spend the day just as any other birthday.  Doing nothing out of the ordinary whatsoever.  Probably hang out with my sister.  Go on a date with my husband.  It's going to be a great day.  And so will everyday continue to be.

I feel so strong and blessed.  I'm grateful for the short experience I had with carrying this little baby.  And I look forward to carrying plenty more.

Honesty versus Individuality

I've decided my favourite class for this semester is probably going to be “Introduction to Writing Fiction.” The whole semester is going to be spent writing a piece of fiction and then editing it until it is a finished product. The real cherry on the top though is the professor. I don't think I've ever laughed so hard in a first class before. Here's a taste of his first impression:

• (as prof walks in to classroom, slightly late) You're all writing kids right? I can't stand those math kids. I hate math.

• Last year was a big year for me as a writer. I made $250.

• Once I got a cheque for $0.17 USD for my writing. I cashed it. YEAH!!!

Since he was so easily distracted by the world of publishing fiction, he was constantly telling us how absolutely horrible it is to try and get published. He spoke about sucking up to agents, attending conferences and dealing with the criticisms of your writing. A big reoccurring topic was the battle an author faces between keeping their original work (or their baby) as is and NOT being published or making the changes the publisher tells them to and then BEING published. I am certain I will always remember his final answer and opinion regarding this.

“MAKE THE CHANGES! If it's a matter of being published and not being published make the changes!! I don't care if I have to change my work or my precious baby. You probably all think I'm a sell out now, but I don't care, that's what I'd do, because I'd be getting published!!”

Of course the class laughed at his honesty, I laughed too. But more than just laughing, I felt such a sincere appreciation of his blatant honesty that it left me feeling all warm and tingly.

I realized then that my appreciation of honesty trumped my esteem for individuality. Throughout my life I've felt this overwhelming desire, almost like a need, to be different, to be a real individual that is as complex and unique as my own finger print. However, I've also always had a very high regard for honesty; honesty in my dealings with others and honesty with myself. Unfortunately, it oftentimes seemed that these two values didn't really correspond; that I couldn't really be true to one without neglecting the other. For example, when I'd admit something honestly to myself, it would become apparent that I'm not really all that unique, because everyone goes through that or thinks that! Or, when I'd go out of my way to be a real individual, I would be lying a little to myself, because that wouldn't be exactly who I am.

Fortunately, I now realize that honesty comes first. At least in my books. I appreciate it more. And ultimately, when I'm completely honest with myself and others I am still an individual. Perhaps that is what I was trying to say when I wrote “The Sociology of Chocolate Chip Cookies.” I just didn't realize it then.

I guess this applies in a big way to my blog.  I've always wanted my blog to be different.  I've wanted to talk about different things than everyone else.  I wanted people to perceive me as this super cool individual that had a life and ideas worth reading about because I was different.  However, if my readers are anything like me, I trust that they probably also appreciate honesty.  Perhaps they appreciate it just as much as I appreciated it from my professor, to the point of making me feel all warm and tingly with enjoyment.  

So, I guess what I'm really trying to say here is that I want to be more honest.  

I'm not talking about the kind of honesty that makes everyone else cringe with the overload of awkward information.  I'm talking about the honesty that admits that I'm a human.  Perhaps I've already started on this journey, when I decided to blog about my Depression. 

Anyways.  Stay posted for 100% all natural and honest Kristen.

The Big Year

Have any of you watched this movie?

Well, I have.  Apparently, in the world of bird-watching there is an informal competition where fanatics can dedicate an entire year of their life in pursuit of seeing or hearing the most different birds possible.  Long story short, the year is a once in a lifetime opportunity, as most people can't just take a break from work and family to travel for an entire year.  Essentially, the entire year is focussed on their passion: birds.

Although I don't take pictures of birds (or many pictures of my own life for that matter), I feel confident in saying that I just had my very own "Big Year."  This past year was a once in a lifetime trial--- I mean opportunity, that I had to grow and learn so much about myself, my spouse, and life as a married girl.  And best of all, this year gave me a chance to really focus on my passion: life.  Although I didn't blog all that much about life, I know that I was genuinely living it and rolling with the punches that it had to offer.

So, let yourself enjoy looking over my very own "Big Year."

JANUARY

I got engaged to Mr. Jonathan Ruiz in December, so in January we took engagement pictures.  Since we're just so sentimental, we went to our very own abandoned house out past the town of Granum; a place where we stopped once while dating and pretended to be married and looking for places to buy.

And like an early predictor of things to come, I started getting fussy.  I was stressed out with planning a wedding and my temperament was starting to ch-ch-ch-CHANGE.  Even ask Jon.  

FEBRUARY

My bad mood and stress persisted.  I tried to combat it with anything I could.  Such as starting a gratitude journal

and studying good books.

Fortunately, Jon still loved me and took the time to show me he did with a lovely Valentine's Day dinner.

MARCH

I found an old Wedding Time Capsule I made when I was a teenager.  It was fun to open that up.

I also got a late birthday present in March.  Jon took me to watch a play at Stage West Theatre.  It was SO GOOD.  And the food was delicious.  It was such a fun night.

And, obviously, I was still continuing with my downward spiral towards Depression.  It's a miracle Jon didn't walk away.  My stress levels were so high I'm pretty sure I was sick with a cold for close to four months.

APRIL

Classes came to a close,

Jon and I continued with our marriage preparations,

and I moved home at the end of the semester to finish up the wedding plans.

And I was a basket case when I went through the temple for the first time and had cold feet about the whole thing.  Again, Jon, what were you thinking you were getting yourself into?!  Haha

MAY

Got hitched on May 4th.

Left for our epic honeymoon on May 7th.  Arrived in Guayaquil, Ecuador, on May 8th.  Spent a couple days with Jon's aunt and uncle before leaving for the Galapagos Islands on May 11th.  On May 14th a third member of our marriage showed their ugly face.  I had full fledged Depression and I was going to be stuck in South America until June 29th.  Yay!!

Don't get me wrong though.  Despite all the hard times we had on our honeymoon because of me, we still had some super fun experiences.  The Galapagos Islands are AMAZING!!

JUNE

Back in Ecuador.  It soon became obvious that with my condition Jon and I couldn't stay in Ecuador for the entire month.  I would have lost it.  Thankfully, my dear, sweet husband sacrificed the rest of the trip and some money to move our flight home back a couple weeks.  We were able to visit his Grandparents and two other pairs of aunts and uncles before leaving on June 15th.  Ecuador is a beautiful country and Jon has such an amazing family down there.

Is it possible to say that things only got harder once we got home?  Now that I was officially diagnosed with Depression, I was for some reason convinced that I could cure myself.  If I went on a run everyday, ate healthy, and read my scriptures; I was positive all of that would cure me.  However, my over-confidence only made things worse.

JULY

Jon had the great pleasure of coming to his first Gibb Family reunion.  I soon realized that even the best event of the year can be hindered when things aren't going 100% in a marriage.  Fortunately, I reached my breaking point and started taking... candy... to treat the Depression.  Jon and I lived at his parent's house in Calgary during this month.  I started working at the Mount Royal University Pool.  We were constantly looking for our own place to move into.  Jon was kind enough to take me to visit my family as often as possible

and I got a free piano!!

AUGUST

The candy was working just great.  After surviving the hardest three months of my entire life, it was nice to finally enjoy the last month of the summer.

We moved into our very own place.

We went skydiving with Jon and his family

We also had some fun boating adventures down south with my family.

SEPTEMBER

Back to school obviously.  Jon went through the H-E-Double Hockey Sticks of Accounting Recruiting.

We both got callings in our new ward.

OCTOBER

Went south for Conference.  I was forced to hold a baby.  Had a good time visiting with some relatives.

We also had some very lovely family pictures taken.

I am also feeling great.  Marriage is lovely.  Eat my shorts Depression.

NOVEMBER

Umm, I feel quite confident in saying that NOTHING happened in November.  I don't even think I took a single picture.  Jon and I spent the entire month watching Community.  It was fantastic.

DECEMBER

Finished another semester!  Spent the holidays with Jon's family in MEXICO!

I was the designated photographer for this professional beach volleyball team.

All in all, it was a "Big Year."  I got pushed to my limits and lived to tell you about it.  I'm so grateful to have had such an awesome guy by my side through each of these months, for better and for worse.  I now know more than ever what I am capable of and what it takes to benefit from a trial.  I've grown in more ways than I can list.  What a wonderful blessing to be entrusted with a trial and choosing to grow from it.  And what a blessing it has been to have a wonderful husband by my side for the entire ride.