Image Slider

30.5.13

My Beef With Humanity

I had a bummer moment yesterday.  You know, the kind of moment or experience where you lose all hope in humanity; the kind of moment where your emotions go from a fury so strong you could just scream a swear word at a stranger to a sadness so deep you could just sit down and cry.

Jon and I were driving home on a busy road here in Calgary when we noticed a group of people hanging out on a pedestrian overpass holding onto something on the other side.  As soon as we passed under, we looked back and immediately regretted it.  They were holding a banner and it was huge.  It was extremely graphic.  It was gory.  Most of all, it was absolutely grotesque.  I felt sick after looking at it.  And in big block letters that were supposed to "justify" such an image it said, "ABORTION KILLS CHILDREN."

Much more tasteful, wouldn't you agree?

In an instant I was thrown back to a couple months ago when my simple blog became a platform for Pro-Lifers to anonymously condemn and harass me in regards to a situation they knew very little about.  Although I maintained my cool online and posted what I thought was a graceful and eloquent rebuttal, it still really hurt my feelings to be vilified for making a professionally advised and prayerfully guided decision.  However, in addition to being hurt, I was also incredibly confused.  You see, if these people disagreed with my decision and wanted to persuade me to follow their philosophy or inform me of the "correct" way to handle such a situation, shouldn't they be kind?  Shouldn't they extend a hand of fellowship, share a kind word and engage in an intelligent and informed conversation to explain their point of view and the benefits of it, rather than anonymously criticizing?  Isn't it common sense that if you want to gain support, share a message or just make friends in general you should treat them in a kind and compassionate matter?  Isn't it obvious that you should make a person feel good about themselves, because ultimately, what a person remembers best is how you make them feel?

This just makes sense, doesn't it?

Now, don't get me wrong, I think that Pro-Life is a genuinely good cause.  I believe in life.  Life is a wonderful gift and should be protected when it has the chance of flourishing.  Unfortunately, it seems that the loudest advocates of this cause seem to not realize that they could "... catch more flies with honey than with vinegar."  Did I feel uplifted and inspired to join the fight against abortion after seeing that banner yesterday?  No.  Not at all.  It made me in a bad mood.  I called the cops and reported it.  (To which I was informed that they can't do anything because the Supreme Court ruled in favour of the Pro-Lifers "freedom of speech" defence)

I just don't get it; I don't get why the majority of people or organizations share their beliefs through demeaning and offending the people that "don't belong."  Don't they realize that the people who "don't belong" or do not know about the group/organization could very well choose to belong and join if they were treated kindly and given a chance to see the positive and beautiful things about that group/organization?

And it goes both ways.  I'm not innocent.  I belong to an organization that is notorious for [it's members sometimes] forget that kindness really is the best way to spread a message.  I belong to a church that I love with all my heart, yet a big part of my heart breaks whenever I hear of my young cousins being bullied because they aren't baptized, youth being pushed away and told they're going to hell because of a small indiscretion, or just any sort of situation where [the people of] my church are the culprit of hurt feelings and unkindness.  Isn't the very basis of all religion supposed to be founded on this... ?


So here I am, at the end of just another day feeling sad and disgruntled.  I just don't get it, why aren't people nicer?  Why?  I wish everyone would just follow this...

source

Well, actually, mostly just step 3.  Don't actually kill people with a sword.
26.5.13

A Season To Plant Flowers

I don't know why, but I've been dying to plant flowers and tend plants of my own probably since moving away from home for the first time.  That was nearly six years ago (oh my goodness, was it really that long ago?!).  During those six years, I lived in eight different houses and never once did I ever plant flowers.  Therefore, you can only guess my excitement when I saw the vacant flowerbed outside the front door of Jon and my home when we first moved in.  It meant I was finally going to get to plant flowers.

So that's what I did over May long weekend.  I planted flowers.  And it was so delightful.

Not my flowers.

I got to dig and water, pull weeds and add luscious potting soil; I got wet from all the watering and I got dirt under all my finger nails.  My shorts got stained and my shoes got dirty.  I also got to smell the rich scent of my precious new flowers and that of my neighbour smoking weed in front of the townhouse just next to mine.  And then I got to eavesdrop on her loud and indiscreet phone conversation with whoever was selling her the wonderful "herbs" she was inhaling.  But I didn't mind, cause I was planting flowers.  And I felt so happy and carefree and relaxed from planting flowers... or wait a minute... no, it was from planting flowers.

Anyways, while I was doing all this fun work I remembered something from my younger days that really struck me.  It was a conversation my mom had with a young mother in our church that I just happened to be standing in on.  They spoke about her cute little boys, about her cute little house, and all the cute little projects she wished that she could be doing.

"What I really want to do is to build window boxes and install them under the windows on my front porch.  Then I could plant flowers in them.  I wish I had the time to do that."

Before either my mom or I could begin extending sympathy to her lack of time or agreeing with her about how nice it would be if she could do that project, she let out a joyful sigh and said:

Oh well, there's a season for everything right?

I now know she was referring to a scripture in the bible.  A passage I probably never would have taken the time to read or ponder if I hadn't seen her putting it in to action.  The actual verse goes:


How often in life do we get angry, frustrated, upset, or annoyed that something isn't happening exactly when we want it to?  How often do we wish that the time when we could finally do this or that came sooner?  How often do we let certain seasons of our life pass us by because we're too busy wishing that the next season would just hurry up already?  I'm certainly guilty of this.  Very guilty.

Our lives are so much like the seasons of the year.  Although we have the power to make important choices and dictate our paths, there are a great deal of things that we have absolutely NO control over.  We could make ourselves blue in the face wishing for it to snow enough in July for us to go snowboarding and it still wouldn't change anything.  To every thing, even life, there is a season.  The season for me to be able to plant my very own flowers finally came last weekend.  The season where I get to move to my own house with a bigger garden free from the aroma of burning "herbs" will come later.  Yes, I look forward to that day, but it doesn't mean that I can't enjoy the season that I'm living in right now.

So, to whatever season you may be living in, remember to enjoy it!  Those other times and seasons will come soon enough.


17.5.13

I Think It Might Be Working...

Ever since Jon and I met, I've made it quite clear that I dislike living in the city.

Ever since Jon and I started dating, I've been carefully leaving subliminal hints that living in the country is far superior to being stuck in an urban jungle.

And ever since Jon and I have been married, I've been full out brainwashing him into thinking that the country is where we will settle down.

Since we're both stuck in the city for now as we complete our education, taking walks at the Weaselhead is where a lot of the brainwashing takes place.

Enjoy some pictures from our walk last Friday.




Look at that happy face.  I think my efforts might be working...

Have a nice May long weekend!
15.5.13

Part 1: That One Time I Recognized I Had A Problem

I'm no longer a newly-wed.  That's what it means when you hit the one year mark right?  What does it mean when you hit the one year mark of having depression?

After celebrating our anniversary on May 4th, the next anniversary we couldn't help but acknowledge was the day that everything went straight to hell.  The day I got horribly lost.  The day that depression kidnapped the Kristen that Jon had married.  Although depression is really more of a "creeper," a disorder that slowly darkens and blurs all the good things in your life, for me it decided to make an entrance more like lightening.  Over the months leading up to our wedding, the people closest to me could tell something was different with me, but it didn't catch up to me until Jon and I had been married for 10 days.  How convenient, since by then we were alone on the Galapagos Islands with weeks and weeks of honeymooning in Ecuador still ahead of us.  Nowadays, Jon and I can smile, shake our heads, maybe even laugh about how hopeless our situation seemed back then.  However, at the time it felt as if the apocalypse of our marriage and my mind had began.  Which is why I want to write more.

Recently, I've been getting really great feedback in regards to the writing I've done so far on my battle with depression.  When I think back to a year ago, I can't imagine how helpful these simple words I've written would have been for me back then.  In addition to this, I found a quote that has given me a renewed interest in sharing my story, experience, and hope.  The quote is this:

+

By no means am I seeking glory.  If anything, I want to be able to reach out and help the people who feel as helpless and hopeless as I did.  Because in all honesty, it does get better.  It really does.  Additionally, I really hope that these simple blog posts on depression do not encourage people to wrongly diagnose themselves.  We all go through really tough times in life, but not all of those times are actually depression.  Before you go on a rampage and diagnose yourself with depression be sure to talk to people close to you or even your doctor.  Now, with that being said, I guess there's no better place to start than at the beginning.  So let's go there.

My name is Kristen.  I am an optimist through and through.  I have an exuberance for life.  And I have depression.


Kind of an oxymoron eh?  Oh well.  Anyways, I grew up in what I like to call the "Promised Land;" I had an absolutely charmed childhood full of happiness and adventure.  I was aware of depression, in fact you could even say I was well acquainted with it.  It was something that "ran in my family."  Yet, this didn't really mean I respected it.  Actually, I had zero respect or understanding for it; I figured it was an excuse that justified a really bad mood.  So I kept my distance from it and kept my mouth shut, all the while thinking, I'll never get depression.  The funny thing is that I did.  I got depression.  Which brings us to the first part of dealing with depression.

Whether you have depression already, are beginning to feel depressed, or are positively certain you will never get it, the first part of understanding it or being able to treat it is this:

Repeat after me:  I am a human being.  Therefore, I could get depression.

Did you say it?  Just in your head is fine.  All of you, say it.  Even you people who KNOW you will never get it.  Because, even if you're certain you never will, the possibility of you getting it does exist.  Just like the same possibility of you getting cancer or even a simple cold next weekend exists.  Okay, good, we've all said it.  Now you're all doing better than I was a year ago.  Because a year ago I was still convinced I possessed some sort of immunity.  Which made the next part especially hard:  Recognition.

How does one recognize depression?  To be honest, it's completely different for everyone.  And, oftentimes what you might interpret as being a full-fledged Major Depressive Episode may actually just be just a tough time in your life.  Now, please understand  Here is how I did.

It had been a really rough couple of days.  It finally got to the point where all I did all day was lay in bed, read, and nap.  I never wanted to go outside.  I never wanted to do anything.  Finally, Jon gave up begging me to go outside and explore with him and just left for Turtle Beach.  As I continued to lay in bed feeling bad for myself, for a split second my mind cleared and a conversation very much like this took place.

Kristen.  This isn't normal.  You're not acting like yourself.

Well... I haven't been able to go on a run for quite awhile, it's just that.  I miss running.

But what about how much you're sleeping?

I'm on vacation!  But you're right.  I really don't sleep this much, especially when I'm not exercising.

And what about those thoughts?  The ones racing through your head all day?  You used to be able to control your thoughts and they were never, ever this negative.

That true.  I never thought about that.  I just assumed it was because I was homesick.  And you have to admit I gave up a lot of things that were important to me so I could get married.

Yes, you did.  But you had accepted that.  Why do you keep stewing over it and feeling bad for yourself?

I don't know.  I can't help it.

Do you realize you're acting a lot like so-and-so?

Yeah.  I guess that I am.

Why do they act like that Kristen?

Because they're always grumpy.  Or because they just like to be alone and hide.

Is that it?

Well, and because they have depression.

So?

So what?

What do you think this might mean?

Nothing.  Wait, no.  No, it can't.  I can't.  

Yes, you can.  Now say it.

I might have depression.

Say it again.

I think I might have depression.

Now go and tell Jon.

And I did.  I got out of bed and ran all of the way to Turtle Beach to catch Jon.  And I told him.  And it made just about as much sense to him as if I had told him that I knew how to make myself turn into a unicorn.  


Jon and Kristen at the beautiful Turtle Beach on a different day than the story above

But the symptoms were now recognized and the fact that I could potentially have depression was partially accepted.  And to be honest, it made a little difference.  Ideally, this would be the point where you could confide in someone familiar with depression, or even your doctor.  However, Jon and I were on the Galapagos Islands, making that nearly impossible.  So instead, I asked Jon to encourage me to exercise and go on runs.  I figured running would actually cure the problem.  **SPOILER ALERT**  It didn't.

And that is the story of how I recognized the possibility that I might have depression.  Obviously recognition really didn't solve the problem.  I didn't know for sure if I had depression.  It didn't make me suddenly happier.  In fact, things only got worse after I recognized that I was behaving like I had depression.  However, in my own experience, recognizing the problem made it possible for me to begin the long and extremely difficult process of accepting that I had depression and accepting that I needed help.  Which will be another story for another day.

In conclusion, perhaps you will enjoy one of my favourite little analogies/quotes I find pertinent in dealing with depression.  Keep aiming.

+
12.5.13

My Search For My Dream Job.

Hands down, the most time-consuming, stressful, difficult, infuriating, depressing, intimidating, and just plain hardest decision I've ever had to make was deciding what I wanted to "be" when I grew up.  I knew I had potential and I knew I had the work ethic to take me where ever I wanted, I just plain didn't know where that was exactly.  Perhaps the Plans For The Future section of my grade twelve year book will give you enough insight into just how lost I really was when it came to planning ahead.


This is literally what 18 year old Kristen had to say.

As lost as I was in determining my future career and plans, there was one thing I knew for sure: that motherhood wasn't for me.  Sadly enough, I was convinced that I had "more potential than that" and that "just having kids" was "the easy way out."  I wanted fame and fortune, glory and grandeur; I wanted to conquer the world and live out my days receiving the accolades and attention of the people who mattered.  So, I set out to become a Respiratory Therapist.


To make an incredibly long and boring story short, I dropped out.  By Thanksgiving, less than 2 months into the RT program, I knew Respiratory Therapy was not for me and that I would need to find a different career path towards awesomeness.  Thus began one of the most confusing and frustrating periods of my life: deciding what to do/be.  It went something like this, everyday, all day, for almost a year.

I'm really good at exercising!  Maybe I should be a gym teacher?

No, no, no.  You wouldn't like that.  The lazy kids would bother you!

Well, what about a personal trainer?  That way the people would want to exercise?

Yeah, but I still don't think you'd like that.  And that doesn't pay as much as you want.

I could be a stenographer!  I'm really good at typing.

No.  That sounds boring.  All you'd do is type!

I could be a dental hygienist.  They make really good money, don't they?

Yeah, but do you really want to scratch junk out of strangers' mouths all day?

No.  You're right.  That does sound gross.  I wish it could just be summer all year long so I could work at the Raymond pool.  Lifeguarding is the only job I know I love.

But that is a job for kids.  You're already too old to be working there.

I know.  I give up.

No!  Don't give up!  Think about what you're good at...  You're good at exercising!  Maybe you could be a gym teacher?

AND IT WENT ON AND ON AND ON.

Finally, on one particularly disheartening Sunday spent bickering in my mind, I decided to read my scriptures.  I came across a passage that really stood out to me; it didn't tell me what career to pursue, and I was definitely just as lost as before in regards to what my plans for the future should be, but my mind was finally at peace.  It said:





It must have been then that I realized that truly the most important work I could do would be in my own home and within the church.  Since then, what I want to "be" when I grow up has only become more and more clear.  Here are a few things I wish to be:

+ I want to be the crazy lady standing at the corner of the last 100m of the track, screaming at the top of her lungs at that poor, tired kid who needs an extra push to finish the 400m.

+ I want to the social convenor, planning fun outdoor activities all across the province, all summer long.

+ I want to be the woman who is taking more pictures of her offspring than a Japanese tourist takes of every random building and plant they come across on vacation.

+ I want to be a house cleaning dictator who works alongside and teaches how to properly complete regular household chores, cracking down on any dust swept behind doors.

+ I want to be the baker who gives away both beaters covered in cookie dough to the faithful observers hovering nearby.

+ I want to be the not-so-green-thumb who plants a garden each year, not so much for the vegetables, but more for what a garden teaches young people about hard work and pay off.

+ I want to be the hobbyist who covers the house with enough crafts to make it a home.

+ I want to be the fashion designer who dresses a family well through frugality, whether it be thrifting, sewing, or hand-me-downs.

+ I want to be the listening ear who can offer reassurance and comfort through words, tears, or hugs.

+ Ultimately, in short, I want to be the woman on the left, because she has shown me through years of example what the most well-rounded and rewarding job there is out there.


Happy Mother's Day, Mom.  I sure love you.  Thanks for being the best mentor I didn't even know that I had.
4.5.13

Happy Anniversary!

It's official.  Jon and I have now been married for one whole year.  It's almost scary how quickly time flies.  Rather than bore you with something sappy and long-winded, how about I just share some pictures from our wedding day?  It turns out that I haven't got around to posting them until now.  Enjoy!