My sweetest, oldest daughter Sheriff turned 8 at the beginning of the summer back in 2022. Her birthday was promptly followed by a family reunion, Young Women's camp, a family camping trip, and just general summer chaos, which meant her baptism definitely didn't happen right away. I promise it was at the forefront of my mind though! I knew it had to get planned and done. When? I had no idea.
As soon as the summer ended, things didn't slow down either. I was working part-time and a Young Women's President. Jon was a student. The kids were playing indoor soccer on the weekends. When the heck was a baptism supposed to squeeze into our busy lives?! It also further complicated things that Jon's family lives in Calgary and we wanted them to be there too, but that meant two other young families' schedules needed to align. It truly wasn't a matter as easy as just planning one and getting it over with. Yet it weighed heavily on me.
And then there was the Sunday that our ward's Executive Secretary approached me in the hallway, asking when we were going to have Sheriff baptized. I assured him that it was going to happen, that we were just struggling to find the time. Which is when he added something along the lines that we needed to hurry because, and I quote, "it's affecting our ward records." I'm proud of my ability to not let a whole lot get under my skin, but that... let's just say that moment made me understand why some people decide they've had enough and walk away. My head was barely above the water, a large part due to me sacrificing so much time and energy to fulfill a large church calling, and my daughter still not being baptized six months after her birthday was "affecting our ward records"? Fortunately, I didn't have the time or energy to stew too much on that back then, I'm admittedly more offended by it today than I was when it happened, haha.
Finally, in the New Year we committed to a date. Reading week 2023: Sheriff's baptism. Now, if you remember reading what happened leading up to that point you'll recall that the baptism didn't end up happening. Literally 6 days before the baptism, Jon admitted to his affair on Sunday morning. That night our ward hosted the "It's Great to be 8" fireside, where children turning 8 learn about what happens at a baptism. Sheriff had already been to one, but since she was being baptized the next weekend, I brought her along with Logan and I. Jon must have told Sheriff sometime during the day that he couldn't baptize her, because at the fireside during the tour of the baptismal font, Sheriff tells our Primary President that, "My dad said he can't baptize me because he doesn't know the words." Our sweet Primary President told her that they could let him know the words.
As the week went on and the baptism drew closer, I shared the horrifying news of Jon's affair with my parents and sisters. Jon's family knew nothing. Bless my heart, but part of me genuinely thought that my family could set aside our hurts and anger for Sheriff's baptism, that we could pretend nothing was wrong for the kids and for Jon's family too. My mom pointed out how unfair this was and convinced me that Jon needed to tell his family too. And so he did. Which is when I realized it would have been idiotic to proceed and cancelled her baptism the day before.
Fast forward to May. A new date has been picked. Jon now lives in Lethbridge. Enough time has hopefully elapsed that the pain we all felt has begun to heal over and we can remember that the day is about Sheriff. With Sheriff's help, we planned the program and every part, besides the ordinances, is being performed by one of her siblings or cousins. Which was inspired. What was not inspired was putting myself down as the pianist. As I sat at the keyboard playing prelude music, it wasn't long until I couldn't play because my eyes were filled with tears and I couldn't see the music. This day did not look how I ever imagined it would. Unintentionally, the room is segregated into Jon's family on one side and mine on the other. Both of my sweet sisters made the effort to be there, Hannah even surprising us all the way from Tofino. Since I'm stationed at the front of the room, it's easy to see I'm emotional, which makes my family emotional. Cue more tears and sniffles. A tender mercy in the form of a member of our Primary Presidency relieves me from my place at the keyboard. She is a beautiful piano player and also one of the few women in my ward who could relate exactly to what I was going through. She gives me the biggest hug and I'm so, so grateful for her presence.
A mistake in the planning of the baptism ends up being one of the best parts. Since Sheriff wanted her two cousins to give talks, I assigned Logan to conduct the meeting. I wanted her to still have a big role and completely forgot that a member of the Bishopric usually conducts. Our bishop could have easily corrected this and taken his rightful place, but he let Logan do it and it made a huge difference. Her childlike innocence and sweet demeanor, not to mention her struggles with pronouncing some things like 'pianist,' tempered the charged atmosphere, setting everyone at ease. Having children say the prayers, give the talks, and take the lead on the meeting was a blessing in disguise.
As hard as this day was, there is something I don't think I'll ever be able to forgive myself for. We didn't take a single picture of Sheriff or any part of the baptism. It was so, so stressful to just be there and executing the meeting, that it completely slipped my mind. Although the day was a success given the circumstances, I still grieve the fact that this happy day for Sheriff was overcast by pain and hurt. I can honestly say I did my best, but as a mom it's hard to accept when your best isn't as good as you think your child deserves. I wish I could have had beautiful pictures taken of Sheriff in her dress. I wish I could have sent out pretty invitations. I wish I could have decorated the room for the baptism and had a thoughtful gift to give her. I wish her dad could have baptized her. I wish her heart wouldn't have known of the pain that it did at that point in her life. I wish I could have protected her better.
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