Dear Anonymous: A Reply.

I wasn't going to blog today.  I blogged just yesterday, and obviously nobody wants to hear more from me than is necessary because I tend to be incredibly long winded.  But my mind is made up, I need to blog today.  Because I need to address something important.

I, Kristen Ruiz, am the most wretched person on the face of the earth.  I tricked every single one of you in my last post by saying that I had a miscarriage.  Please forgive me for making the shallow mistake of equating a terminated pregnancy to a miscarriage.

You see, since the prognosis of my pregnancy was so poor, I was told that it would eventually end in a miscarriage.  So, I figured I might as well take the doctors advice and terminate things sooner than to deal with a very difficult and potentially harmful miscarriage later.

Today, I speak to you Anonymous.  And to any other woman who feels that I am unjustified in calling a terminated pregnancy a miscarriage.  If you just happen to be reading and plum don't care, allow me to bring you up to date.  

Here is what Miss Anonymous has to say to my last post:

You chose to terminate the pregnancy.  That is NOT a miscarriage.  Your blog used to be really enjoyable to read, but your complete lack of understanding between miscarriage and termination is sickening.  You chose to end your childs life, you did not miscarry.  The way you act as if you are one of millions who have a miscarriage is incredibly insulting to women who truly do have a miscarriage.

And here is what I have to say:

Yes, I chose to terminate my pregnancy.  Although my pregnancy didn't end naturally, I still had to go through the pain and hurt of losing a precious baby.  I went through the unquenchable excitement of seeing a living and moving being on an ultrasound screen, followed quickly thereafter by the news that the life inside of me was very, very ill and it was only a matter of time before it would pass away.

My understanding is that a miscarriage usually occurs before 12 weeks gestation.  This did not happen for me.  Instead, I made it past that mark and had the privilege of beholding a living being.  Is this what disqualifies my experience from being categorized as a miscarriage?

My understanding is that I have the privilege of seeking a second, or third, or even fourth opinion when it comes to making a choice regarding undergoing any type of medical procedure.  So that is what I did.  I asked two ultra sound technicians, two very competent perinatal nurses, two extremely intelligent perinatologists, a counsellor at the women's clinic, and another nurse at the women's clinic if this baby had any chance of making it full term.  I believe that is eight different opinions.  Each one of them told me the same thing: my baby would not make it full term and the best thing I could do would be to terminate the pregnancy.  Do not think for one second that I did not consider and question the morality of terminating a pregnancy.  I believe that life begins at conception and my heart ached when the best thing I could do was to go through a "glorified abortion."  However, I respected each one of these opinions.  In fact, several of the professionals I had more time to speak with reassured me that I was making the best decision possible and that if I was to miscarry further on in the pregnancy I would need a much more difficult procedure performed than the termination.  Is the fact that I got to decide when my pregnancy ended what disqualifies me from claiming to have had a miscarriage?

My understanding is that the ultrasound technician and perinatologist can actually decipher a great deal of information about an unborn baby through the blurry and confusing mess of an ultrasound.  Perhaps you know a lot about Turner's Syndrome, a disorder that often can go full-term, which is why you are so disgusted.  However, for my baby they were also already able to see that it was suffering from heart failure.  It's tiny heart was pumping at an extremely elevated rate.  It's body was beginning to swell and display edema.  In fact, it was even displaying end stage signs of heart failure, the kind of symptoms that an elderly person who has suffered with heart disease for years would display; it's lungs were beginning to fill with a fluid called pulmonary edema.  My poor, precious baby was as ill as a 80 year old man with Heart Disease who had spent his entire life smoking a pack a day and eating McDonalds.  And just like a man like that would eventually end up on life support in an ICU, my baby was on life support too; I was my baby's life support.  And just like the time would eventually come for the family of a very ill man to decide to pull the plug, I was given the choice to do the exact same thing.  And just like the family of the very sick man would weigh all their options and possibilities and eventually come to the decision of doing what was best for this man that they loved, I went through the exact same process of trying to choose what was best for my baby and me.  Is this what disqualifies me from claiming to have suffered a miscarriage?

Last of all, it's my understanding that loss hurts.  Any type of loss.  Whether you're a kid who just lost your pet kitten or a grown woman who just lost her job, loss sucks.  Losing something you held dear and then mourning that loss are probably the most uncomfortable feelings a person will ever encounter in their entire life.  So whether that loss is called "being dumped" or "getting fired" or "having a miscarriage" or "terminating a pregnancy," the fact is you are going through a loss and it hurts really bad.  They're all different words for the same thing.  Loss hurts terribly and my loss was called a terminated pregnancy.  Is having the wrong titled for my loss what disqualifies me from claiming to have suffered a miscarriage?

Dear Anonymous, please forgive my lack of understanding, the understanding I have just presented to you.  I have never, ever in my life composed a post where my main goal was to insult and sicken my readers.  I feel bad that something I wrote to uplift and inspire created such an adverse reaction from you.  However, I am not alone.  Please be aware that the internet is filled with comments and blogs of women who have been through the exact same loss as myself and who also call it a miscarriage.  Are you angry with them as well?

Lastly, I'm sorry for your own loss Anonymous.  I'm guessing you have gone through a miscarriage, or have at least had someone you're close to suffer one.  Since I'm not technically speaking from experience, I can only assume that a miscarriage must be a truly terrible loss to go through.  I'm sorry for your pain and by no means did I mean to discredit it by claiming a terminated pregnancy could hurt as much as a miscarriage.  I'm sad you no longer find my blog enjoyable to read, however, even after your scornful comment, I still find blogging an enjoyable thing to do.  If you wish to continue this conversation, please contact me by email.  I would love to meet you.