The Best Things That Have Ever Happened To Me: Part IV

Once upon a time I was going to graduate in June 2013, which made July a really great time to have a baby.  So, I got pregnant.  But then, when we finally got to see the baby at the first ultrasound appointment, we learned it was very sick and would not make it full term.  And just like that, I was no longer pregnant.

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How in the world does a girl believably say that having a miscarriage was one of the best things that has ever happened to her?  Three months ago I definitely would not have been able to, and I wouldn't have believed it myself.  Today I still might not be able to convince you that such a tragedy was a valuable experience, but the difference is that I now honestly feel that it was.

The story begins last fall.  I had only been married for a small handful of months, yet I couldn't deny the career path I was beginning to desire.  In fact, I wrote about it for a school assignment which I posted on my blog.  When I thought ahead to my graduation date in June I literally had no desire to begin the normal pursuit after a grown-up job.  So I took this as obviously meaning that I was ready to become a mother.

Before I knew it, all my plans were falling perfectly in to place, there was even a little positive sign on a stick to prove it.  And it was a breeze.  Sure, I felt a little more tired than usual in the evenings, but that was about it.  This pregnancy business was simple simon.

Soon enough, it was that exciting time of the first ultrasound.  But it didn't go as expected.  At all.  

I was suddenly in a bad mood as we sat in the waiting room.  Although we arrived on time, we didn't get called back until nearly an hour after when our appointment was supposed to begin.  The technician never said a single word to us until finally Jon asked her a question.  And most of all, that moving and wiggling grayish blob on the screen had a most unusual white bump coming off of its neck.

We knew something was wrong before we were even told.  

I refused to care.  Whatever.  It wasn't a big deal.  This happened to loads of women!  What made me think I was immune to a miscarriage?  At first it only hurt when people were giving me sympathy.  Then it hurt whenever I thought about it, such as scheduling all the appointments to come.  It hurt a little bit less when we found out what was wrong.  This baby was missing a chromosome.  It had Turner's Syndrome.  Then it started to hurt more when I realized all my dear sweet plans were changing; I wasn't going to graduate in June anymore since I needed to drop some classes.  At last, it hurt the very most when I finally grasped that my opportunity to become a mother was going to be postponed.

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That last hurt was the very worst.  It ached and burned.  It kept me up at night.  And as my heart struggled to repair itself, I learned some valuable things about motherhood.  Some things that I needed to learn before I actually became a mother.

While growing up, I avoided babies and small children like the plague.  Truth be told, they scared me.  To combat my fear of babies, I kept a vast library of "dead baby" jokes memorized so I could laugh away any discomfort.  I was never asked to babysit and I liked it that way.  I figured motherhood was a hobby for women who couldn't figure out what career to pursue, or who simply needed an excuse to stay home all day.  It was never something I longed for or desperately awaited in my own life.  

After getting engaged, I grew to accept that motherhood would inevitably find its way into my life, but not for a long time.  After marrying and making plans for the future, I realized I had no desire to find a job upon graduating, so I figured it was time for motherhood.

I am grateful I had a miscarriage because now I can see how wrong I was in my thinking.  Motherhood is not something to do simply because you don't wish to start a career.  Motherhood is not something to do because you can't think of anything else to do either.  Motherhood is not something to do because everyone expects you to.  And lastly, Motherhood is not something to do because everyone else is doing it.

I'll admit my first pregnancy was just what I needed.  I needed to have something taken away from me so that I could know just how much I wanted it.  I needed to feel how much I wanted to become a mother, and I needed to want Motherhood for the right reasons.  I needed to learn and grow and develop the proper view on Motherhood, like the one this woman shares in one of the most beautiful articles I've ever read.  And lastly, after all my years of telling "dead baby" jokes, I guess it's only fair that a baby played a joke on me.