A Birthday Surprise

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I am pregnant.  Exciting eh?

In fact, I just saw the baby yesterday on an ultrasound screen.  It was moving and had a heart beat and everything.

Unfortunately, that was the last time I'll see my baby alive, or at all.  Because next Wednesday I'm not going to be pregnant anymore.

This week has not gone how I expected at all.  Monday was supposed to be an exciting and fun day.  Instead, it was filled with apprehension and fear as soon as the baby appeared on the screen of our very first ultrasound.

It was obvious something was wrong.  Obvious long before anyone sat down with us to say so.  Although we are not ultrasound technicians, Jon and I knew that the large, clear bump coming from the baby's neck was a red flag.

And then there were a bunch of clues to confirm it.  Such as...

the haunting silence being broken by the technician saying, "The doctor will go over the results with you after."

the second technician being sent in to "get some better pictures."

the looks of sadness and pity we received as we walked past the desk of nurses on our way to the consultation room.

and the watery eyes of the doctor as she walked into the room saying, "It doesn't look like your little guy is going to make it."

At only 13 weeks, it is obvious our baby has significant problems.  Besides that unsightly bump on its neck (a sure sign and predictor of chromosomal abnormalities), the baby is showing signs of heart failure.  Its little heart is beating much faster than normal and its teeny body is displaying signs of swelling. 

Although this baby is currently alive, the prognosis is so terrible that it is only a matter of time before it passes away and I miscarry.  Instead, the doctors have advised Jon and I that it would be best to go ahead and terminate the pregnancy before this occurs.

I asked a nurse how often they see a baby with these kinds of problems.  She told me that out of the 800 patients they see every month, only 4-10 will have the experience Jon and I am.  I told Jon we should go buy a lottery ticket.


So what does the future have in store?  Well, after confirming with several nurses that there is no possible way this baby will survive, I have been able to book a termination with a clear conscience.

The reason I was able to see the baby yesterday is because we had a procedure called Chorionic Villus Sampling performed in order to diagnose exactly what is wrong with the baby.  So far, the guess is that the baby has something called Triplody, a very rare disorder where every single chromosome pair has a third, extra chromosome.  My mom told me I always was an overachiever.


This has been tough.

It's been hard to have the nurses and doctors sympathize with me, seeing them sad makes me feel sad.

Seeing or hearing people I love cry or feel sad, makes me feel sad too.

Having the receptionist tell me yesterday that I should go out of my way to have a good birthday today because next year I'll be a mom was tough.  I calmly told her, "No.  I won't."

For a day or two, checking Facebook or reading blogs was hard.  It seems like everyone I know has a strong and healthy baby or is expecting one.

But at the same time, I am grateful.  I am grateful to have been trusted with a trial like this.  I have found such strength in my faith at this time.  I have such a special spot in my heart for trials.  I recognize them as an opportunity to grow.  I find myself feeling closer to God during them.  And I cannot think of a single trial in my life that did not turn out to be an amazing experience in the end.

In fact, just a few days ago, a good blog-friend left a comment I can't agree more with... 

"One day, in retrospect, the years of struggle will strike you as the most beautiful."

- Sigmund Freud

Another part of my faith that I have grown to appreciate more is the Plan of Happiness.  Although there is no real definitive doctrine on what exactly occurs or happens to the soul of a precious baby that is miscarried, this plan proves that only good things can, and from there as a mother you are free to think exactly what you want.  I have found strength in the words of other LDS mothers who have gone through this.  

The older sister of my sister's good friend takes the stance that her baby who passed away shortly after birth was needed back in heaven, that his soul was just to precious to spend much time here on earth.  Read her blog here.

When it comes to me and my situation, I relate a lot more to this women's perspective.  

Despite this trial, I'm still having a happy birthday.  I turned 24 today.  Feels exactly the same as turning 16 to be honest.  It's been a great day.  Because of the procedure, I got work off.  And because I'm lazy, I skipped my accounting lab this morning.

I also got to talk to a good friend and lighten the load of this burden by sharing it with her.  I love her guts.

I plan to spend the day just as any other birthday.  Doing nothing out of the ordinary whatsoever.  Probably hang out with my sister.  Go on a date with my husband.  It's going to be a great day.  And so will everyday continue to be.

I feel so strong and blessed.  I'm grateful for the short experience I had with carrying this little baby.  And I look forward to carrying plenty more.