When I wrote my last blog post, I remember feeling cool as a cucumber. I simply stated the stark news of an impending pregnancy termination, explained what was wrong with the little baby, and concluded feeling like I was the strongest and most awesome girl to ever have a miscarriage.
Obviously, I don't hide much, or really anything at all, from my blog. So it seemed only natural to punch out a little post about miscarriage. I figured I'd be doing the world a great service by sharing my story and strength. As the comments rolled in, I felt like I was the one offering comfort to my own comforters. I felt fine. I was totally over it. I had everything under control. After my struggles with depression, I was positive this trial was going to be baby stuff. Excuse the pun.
But seriously, I was completely confident that the trials I had encountered thus far in my life, especially dealing with depression, had turned me into some kind of professional trial bearer. In fact, I even liked trials. I basked in the opportunity to be made a little uncomfortable, because as soon as it was all over, like two days later, I could feel myself having grown. So long story short, I thought I was awesome and could kick any trial in the butt before it even started to sting. We shall call this pride.
Well, on Monday, stuff got real. Not even my trial super powers could protect me. Since that day, I have been served a giant slice of humble pie for every meal and been forced to sit at the table until I have swallowed every crumb of it. To be honest, I don't consider myself a proud person. However, I must have been, because over the course of the past few days I have been humbled to a whole new low. In fact, if I had a nice sackcloth and some ashes, I'd be wearing them.
To sum things up, this trial has affected me in ways I didn't even imagine or consider. I guess I started acting like I had already conquered it before it was even over. Which consequently set me up to be knocked down even harder. Whether it was my pride or just the way fate would have this trial play out, I have had the privilege to experience a wide spectrum of unfortunate things since blogging last Friday. And the hardest thing to admit is that I don't think I handled anything very well. In fact, if it's at all possible, I feel as if I completely failed this trial.
I panicked and dropped out of three classes because I've missed so much school. Now I have no idea when I'm going to graduate or what I'm even doing with my life.
I pushed Jon away from me rather than leaning on him. I figured I had everything under control and it would just make me more uncomfortable if he was around to see me in these humbling situations.
I was INSANELY stubborn to the nurses and doctors who were there to help. I smuggled in and took relaxant drugs in order to potentiate the sedation. I really don't remember much of that day at all...
And worst of all, I think I just made this trial harder for everyone else who was really just there to help.
If there has been anything to learn from this trial, it would have to be that there is no such thing as being an expert at handling trials. They all suck and they all hurt to go through. I did myself a huge disservice by assuming that I already had things under control. I was certain I had already succeeded before things were even over.
I guess the biggest thing I've learned is that you need to be humbled before you can triumph over a trial.
False.
Obviously, I don't hide much, or really anything at all, from my blog. So it seemed only natural to punch out a little post about miscarriage. I figured I'd be doing the world a great service by sharing my story and strength. As the comments rolled in, I felt like I was the one offering comfort to my own comforters. I felt fine. I was totally over it. I had everything under control. After my struggles with depression, I was positive this trial was going to be baby stuff. Excuse the pun.
But seriously, I was completely confident that the trials I had encountered thus far in my life, especially dealing with depression, had turned me into some kind of professional trial bearer. In fact, I even liked trials. I basked in the opportunity to be made a little uncomfortable, because as soon as it was all over, like two days later, I could feel myself having grown. So long story short, I thought I was awesome and could kick any trial in the butt before it even started to sting. We shall call this pride.
Well, on Monday, stuff got real. Not even my trial super powers could protect me. Since that day, I have been served a giant slice of humble pie for every meal and been forced to sit at the table until I have swallowed every crumb of it. To be honest, I don't consider myself a proud person. However, I must have been, because over the course of the past few days I have been humbled to a whole new low. In fact, if I had a nice sackcloth and some ashes, I'd be wearing them.
I think this might be a good look for me.
To sum things up, this trial has affected me in ways I didn't even imagine or consider. I guess I started acting like I had already conquered it before it was even over. Which consequently set me up to be knocked down even harder. Whether it was my pride or just the way fate would have this trial play out, I have had the privilege to experience a wide spectrum of unfortunate things since blogging last Friday. And the hardest thing to admit is that I don't think I handled anything very well. In fact, if it's at all possible, I feel as if I completely failed this trial.
I panicked and dropped out of three classes because I've missed so much school. Now I have no idea when I'm going to graduate or what I'm even doing with my life.
I pushed Jon away from me rather than leaning on him. I figured I had everything under control and it would just make me more uncomfortable if he was around to see me in these humbling situations.
I was INSANELY stubborn to the nurses and doctors who were there to help. I smuggled in and took relaxant drugs in order to potentiate the sedation. I really don't remember much of that day at all...
And worst of all, I think I just made this trial harder for everyone else who was really just there to help.
If there has been anything to learn from this trial, it would have to be that there is no such thing as being an expert at handling trials. They all suck and they all hurt to go through. I did myself a huge disservice by assuming that I already had things under control. I was certain I had already succeeded before things were even over.
I guess the biggest thing I've learned is that you need to be humbled before you can triumph over a trial.
Sometimes it's a {painful? astonishing? interesting? amazing?} surprise that sometimes you are so prepared for one trial, you don't even see the other one coming. Sometimes there are so many parts, its impossible to see all them at once instead of focusing on the biggest one coming straight at us. Kristen, you are a strong, amazing person, and I don't think you were prideful, I think you have been through so much you have built up a certain callous towards trials, BUT none of us are "professional trial bearers". We all have weak moments, some of us weak days, months, or years, but we build upon those and learn. The only way we can continue to learn is with new trials, with varying difficulty. I think there are many things you have been through that alot of other people would not know how to handle, and vice-versa (people tell me they don't know how I handle having diabetes, to me it's an everyday thing).
ReplyDeleteWe are all human, which means we all have a test, there will hard questions and there will be easy questions, but we are all equipped with the knowledge and strength to overcome, whether the answer is clear or not.
Kristen, I have to say, that even when your posts are sad and painful, they're still somehow uplifting. Thanks for sharing.
ReplyDeleteOh, Kristen I just read your blog I wish there was something I could say but I can't even imagine what you have gone/been going through. I am so so sorry and brought tears to my eyes reading it. I don't think you failed a trial! Just being so honest and sharing this with so many different people is so much more than most people ever do. We all lie and make other people feel bad when we are feeling just as crappy as they are.
ReplyDeleteIt breaks my heart for you and I have no idea what your really experiencing. I am grateful so much for the gospel and the eternal perspective because ultimately you know your little angel was so perfect and needed back already and that through the Atonement the Savior can and will heal your pain. That doesn't mean within hours, days or weeks of finding this out you have to be okay with it or your going to feel like you have learned from it. You have gone through 13 weeks of all the joy, fear, maybe sickness, or fatigue, planning, excitement and numerous other emotions that don't just disappear in a week. I have no doubt that your family loves you so much its crazy and that is why they are there to help, because most hard things don't warrant a perfect reaction from the person in pain. I guess all I am trying to say is I am so sorry for your heartbreaking experience and loss, and I think you are such a strong honest person (and I only "know you" through your blog!). And I definitely don't think that you came even close to failing.
Kate, you are the kindest ever. Thanks so much for taking the time to write such a thoughtful comment. I really appreciated it!!
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