Part 2: Probably The Hardest Part

And now for the tale of how I accepted the fact that I had depression and needed help.

You see, it wasn't really that easy.  In fact, it was probably the hardest part of having depression.  Although I recognized that my mind was as volatile as Coke and Mentos and that I had no control over how desperately unhappy I was, I didn't want a label.  Most of all, I didn't want to admit I couldn't fix my mood problem on my own.  Seriously, who wants to admit that they are unable to make themselves feel happy?  Isn't that the most basic human function on the planet?  And if you can't feel happy, doesn't that make you some kind of lesser human?

Anyways, no matter how many people told me there was something wrong with me and that I needed help, I continued to believe that there wasn't really anything wrong with me, and that I had the power to fix everything on my own anyways.  If only everyone would just leave me alone and let me start fixing things, geez!!!!!

Little did I know, my efforts at fixing my own depression were about as successful as this...

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Initially, I believed that simply coming home from our honeymoon would be enough to cure my depression.  So we changed our tickets and came home about two weeks early.  I had stipulations too about coming home; I wanted to go straight to my wonderful country hometown and there was no need for Jon to accompany me.  Obviously this would make everything better.

But it didn't.  I still slept half the day away and spent the other half sitting in a pit of my own despair.  I was a monotone, emotionless zombie.  I wasn't myself.  My mother forced me to see a doctor who chuckled to himself and stated the obvious after taking one look at me:

"You have depression.  Go fill this prescription."

His nonchalance infuriated me (but hey, it was nice to feel something..) and also intrigued me.  If it really wasn't that big of a deal, then obviously I could fix things on my own. 

Yeah!  Just start doing all of the things that make you feel good Kristen!  So, drink lots of water and eat healthier.  Then start exercising regularly.  And read your scriptures.  This plan is foolproof.  You'll be back to normal in NO TIME!!

So that was the plan.  And although I was going against what the doctor told me, I demanded to be taken seriously.

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I guess it isn't that big of a surprise to say that my plan really didn't work.  In fact, things just got uglier and uglier.  Eventually I had to go back to Calgary to be with my husband.  When my "foolproof" cure to depression wasn't working I always had something new to blame for it's failure.

It's because I'm stuck in this awful, awful city!!  My depression would be gone by now if I was in the country!!

It's all Jon's fault!  If he would just mind his own business and quit asking me what's going through my head I'd be all better and we'd both be happy!!

It's because I'm married!  I've made a huge mistake, I wouldn't have depression if I wasn't married!!

It's because everyone keeps talking to me about depression!  They never give me a break and they're not giving my plan enough time to start working!  If they'd all just leave me alone, my plan would start working!!

And this was my life, for nearly three weeks.  I felt bad for myself and I blamed anything that I could when things were starting to look better.

Finally, something broke.  Perhaps it was my pride.  Perhaps it was my stubborn faith in "the plan."  Whatever it was, it made me take a crumpled piece of paper out of the bottom of my purse and go to a pharmacy.  I couldn't fight this on my own.  It was finally time.  I needed help.

And I honestly can't tell you how beneficial this was.  But that's for another day.

I'm sure there are instances where a case of depression is mild enough to be fought off on your own.  I'm a firm believer that routine and a healthy lifestyle are extremely cathartic in dealing with mood disorders, especially depression.  However, there are also the cases where no matter what you do or don't do, you won't be able to fight it on your own.  In retrospect, even if I had adhered to my "foolproof plan" to conquer depression, it wouldn't have done a whole lot of good.  I would have had good days - actually, more like good hours or two - but I would have remained an incredibly unhappy and mentally unhealthy person.  

Before I close this post, I just have one disclaimer, when it comes to depression or what you think might be depression, be sure to consult a mental health professional.  Please don't diagnose yourself based on the things I have to say on a blog.  I ain't a doctor.  I'm just aware of my own experience.