Hello! As it was mentioned, my
name is Kristen Ruiz. Born and raised in Raymond. Worked at the pool, taught
some of you lessons when you were reeeeally little. I was recently hired at the
school as a Teacher’s Aide for Mr. Heseltine, the band teacher. My unofficial
job title is the “Band Aide.”
Speaking of Band-aids… I’m just
going to rip the band aid off on this talk – my topic tonight is chastity or
sexual intimacy and how it relates to our true identity. I have a lot I want to
say, but not a lot of time, so I’m going to talk really fast.
If you’re anything like I was as
a teen, you’re wondering what you did to deserve this cruel and unusual
punishment. Stuck here on a Sunday night with mom and dad listening to the
church version of theme five. I feel your pain, I really do. I remember when I
was growing up and my mom sat me down for “the talk.” It was horrible. I could
tell she was uncomfortable, and that made me uncomfortable. And then when she
was wrapping things up, she also gave me some insider information regarding
Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, and the Easter Bunny. She probably figured, two
birds, one stone. It was a pretty dark day for me though.
A few years ago, I realized I
really didn’t like the way I was taught about sexual intimacy while growing up.
Shame and fear were the chief teaching mechanisms. I learned to be ashamed I
had a body with a sexual nature and afraid that I would be forever damaged if I
ever succumbed to that very nature. This is the type of talk I wish I would
have heard when I was your age, and I am so excited to share it with you
tonight. By no means is this talk perfect, but what I refuse to do tonight is
to speak about chastity and sexual intimacy using shame and fear.
I have the perfect analogy for
teaching you tonight. It’s from a Disney movie, as soon as you know which movie
I’m quoting, shout it out:
“In the beginning, there was only ocean, until the Mother Island emerged:
Te Fiti. Her heart held the greatest power ever known; it could create life
itself.”
You’re right – Moana. So how the
heck is Moana a good analogy for chastity? Honestly, I can’t even watch the
movie anymore without relating it to chastity. To share it with you tonight,
I’ve broken it into three parts.
First, in this analogy, you
are Te Fiti and you have the greatest power ever known; the power to create
life itself. Can we take a second to celebrate these facts? “We are created
‘in the image of God’ (Genesis 1:27) which means that our bodies, including our
sexual organs, are a divine creation.”[1] Our
anatomy is divine, AND the physiology, or the way it functions, is divine.
There is nothing dirty, gross, or shameful about yourself. In fact, President
Nelson calls our bodies a “transcendent miracle.”[2]
Each of us has the power to create LIFE – not “just a baby,” but a life as
unique and complex as your very own. The fact that your body is made in the
image of God and has the power of creation like God makes YOU Godlike,
or divine. You have been entrusted with something magnificent, a superpower,
“the greatest power ever known.” This is not something to be ashamed of or embarrassed
by. Be grateful. And show your Father in Heaven this gratitude by treating this
power with the pride and respect it deserves.
Now, let’s go back to the word
“physiology” for a second. This is the study of how a living system functions.
Our bodies are made up of tons of physiological processes that we have little
to no control over, for example, I have no control over how much I’m sweating
right now and how dry my mouth is. There are aspects of your reproductive
system that you have no control over as well, but you are tasked with how you
react to them. The same applies to your digestive system when you choose to
fast. During your fast you may suddenly feel hungry. Someone might start
talking about food or you might see someone eating and then feel hungry. We
would never condemn ourselves as being a bad person because we feel hungry
while fasting. But there are ways we could choose to cope with our hunger that
would be problematic. Would constantly scrolling through pictures of food on
your phone be helpful during your fast? Would telling jokes about food or
talking about all the food you want to eat be beneficial to your fast?
Because you’re at this wonderful
age of life where you’re just saturated with hormones, you’re going to have thoughts
or feelings that are sexual in nature. This is normal and good. Acknowledge
them, be grateful for them because it means your body is working. But just like
when you’re fasting, recognize that that feeling will soon pass and there is no
need to act on it now. You have control over how you react to your physiology.
This is called mindfulness.
Okay, the next part of the
analogy is “But in time, some began to seek Te Fiti’s heart.” If you’re
familiar with the War in Heaven and Plan of Salvation, can you guess who it is
that seeks to demean and frustrate the sanctity of your “power to create life
itself?”
The adversary. Not only do we
have a physical body and Lucifer does not, we also possess the ability to
create physical bodies for more of God’s spirit children. Can you imagine how
frustrating this must be to him?
President Bednar sums this up so
wonderfully: “Because a physical body is so central to the Father’s plan of
happiness and our spiritual development, Lucifer seeks to frustrate our
progression by tempting us to use our bodies improperly. One of the ultimate
ironies of eternity is that the adversary, who is miserable precisely because
he has no physical body, entices us to share in his misery through the improper
use of our bodies. The very tool he does not have is thus the primary target of
his attempts to lure us to spiritual destruction.”[3]
How does Lucifer tempt us to use
our bodies improperly? I’m sure we could come up with a pretty extensive list,
but for the sake of brevity, I’ve come up with 3 big ones that I think nearly
any temptation could be categorized under.
The first one is shame. Remember
how I said I felt shame and fear while learning of chastity while growing up?
Who do you think those feelings came from? From the very beginning of human
existence, the adversary has been trying to convince us that we should be
ashamed of our bodies and sexuality. Do you recall how in the garden of Eden
after partaking of the fruit, Adam and Eve hid themselves from God and sewed
clothes of fig leaf?[4] Shame
is a powerful weapon the adversary is well versed in using against us. What
does this look like in your life today?
He uses shame to make you too
embarrassed or afraid to ask your parents for answers or guidance. He uses shame
to attack your self-worth. No one is perfect. We all make mistakes and slip up.
Have you ever heard that little voice after you’ve made a mistake that asks,
“what’s the use in trying?” The adversary loves it when he can convince you to
give up and just settle where you are, when he can get you to rationalize more
mistakes because you’ve already made the one. Why try to change when you’ve
already messed up. Or I’ll change later, after I make a few more mistakes.
If you’re struggling with
pornography, or content that is sexually suggestive, shame is how the adversary
is keeping you captive. Shame makes you think you need to keep this struggle a
secret. I assure you that this is not true. Not a single person here tonight is
perfect, and there is no shame in that. Your parents and bishop are here to help,
and I can almost guarantee that if you came to them for help, they would reply
with sympathy and love.
The second way the adversary
tempts you to use your bodies improperly is through what I like to call your “Hunger
for Experience.” Your “hunger for experience,” is your nearly insatiable
desire to experience everything life has to offer. You’re at the stage of life
marked by anticipating and experiencing firsts: going to the temple, going to
dances, getting your learners and drivers licenses, going on first dates,
having your first kiss. Being your age is EXCITING! It is natural to want to
experience the thrill of holding hands and kissing, cuddling and dating. You
likely hear the rumors or stories about just how “far” your peers have taken
their intimacy and likely feel a curiosity and desire to have a similar
experience.
Lucifer loves to capitalize on
this “hunger for experience” – the thrill of trying new things is easy to
manipulate into overstepping boundaries that are there to keep you safe. He’ll
make it seem like everyone else is trying this, that it’s okay to become more
intimate. Sadly, oftentimes the thrill of simply experiencing something clouds
your judgment regarding how to best experience something.
A prime example of this is my
first kiss. Shortly before I turned 16, my Mom could tell I was itching to get
kissing, so to help prevent me from doing some hasty she said if I could wait
until after turning 16 to have my first kiss, she’d buy me a blizzard from
Dairy Queen. This was a very tempting offer. Not long after this, while hanging
out with my friends, their boyfriends introduced me to a friend of theirs from
Hillspring. That should have been my first warning. Do you know what kind of
guys are from Hillspring? That’s right, Mr. Davis. Anyways, it felt like fate
had aligned us two third wheels and pretty soon we were what my Dad likes to
call “an item.” Did I really like him? No, not really. Did I even really know
him? Nope. I made it pretty clear that we couldn’t kiss because a blizzard was
on the line, which was when he told me he’d buy me a blizzard if I did kiss
him. I didn’t need much more convincing than that and before I knew it, I was
having my first kiss. And I kid you not, this is what went through my head:
“This is it?” I did not understand the hype one bit. It meant nothing to me and
was even a little gross. The worst part is, we didn’t even last long enough for
Mr. Hillspring to even buy me a blizzard. This is a prime example of how your
“hunger for experiencing” something NOW ends up sacrificing what could have
been the best experience. Do I regret my first kiss? Yeah. It would have been
nice for it to have been with someone that meant something to me and for it to
have been a genuine act of affection. Don’t be like me and waste your firsts on
people you don’t truly care about, for cred, because everyone else is doing it,
because you want to prove yourself, or because you weren’t patient enough for
it to be with the right person at the right time. You will regret it! Recognize
that there are experiences that are best reserved for within marriage,
specifically any act of sexual intimacy.
The last method I think that
Lucifer utilizes to tempt youth to toy with the law of chastity is by something
I’ve defined as willful ignorance. Willful ignorance is when you’ve
convinced yourself that you truly don’t know something is breaking the law of
chastity. Forgive me, but this is the part of my talk where I speak frankly. I
have heard of too many stories where young men and women have engaged in blatant
sexual behaviour all the while claiming they didn’t know it was against the law
of chastity.
You might have noticed during
this previous general conference that changes to the Strength of Youth were
announced. I love the changes, and rumor has it, Ty Romeril does too because it
no longer says you shouldn’t passionate kiss. But just because the clear-cutting
language of what you shouldn’t do has been removed, it doesn’t mean you have
license to suddenly do what is no longer listed. In the Doctrine and Covenants
we read:
“For behold, it is not meet
that I should command in all things; for he (or she) that is compelled
in all things, the same is a slothful and not a wise servant”[5]
I believe in your heart of hearts
you know what is breaking the spirit of the law of chastity. You know that
playing games in cars where you remove articles of clothing is breaking the
spirit of this law. You know that taking pictures of yourself in any stage of
undress or nakedness to be texted or shared is also breaking the spirit of this
law, not to mention the fact that these photos when shared or viewed improperly
constitute a punishable felony. Don’t do these things.
You also know that acts of
intimacy where you are touching another person’s private and sacred body parts,
with or without clothing, is breaking the spirit of this law. You know that
oral sex, touching your mouth to those sacred body parts of another person, is
sex, and is breaking the law of chastity outright. Stop twisting what isn’t
specifically listed or communicated regarding chastity to mean it isn’t
breaking this commandment. Stop selling yourself short, surely you feel it in
your mind and in your heart and no amount of negotiating with yourself has you
truly convinced that sexual loopholes aren’t exactly what they are: sex.
Instead of playing mental mind games to rationalize appetites and actions, embrace
that you have the agency to make these choices for yourself, and then choose to
be proud and protective of your ability to create life itself.
Finally, the last part of my
analogy. If you’ve been trying to sneak ahead and think of what the third
part of my Moana/chastity analogy is, you might have come to the conclusion
that it has something to do with Te Ka. Well, you’re right – if you break the
law of chastity, you’re going to turn into a demon of earth and fire. Kidding.
Just as in Moana, there are consequences to the heart of Te Fiti being taken,
there are undoubtedly consequences when your powers of procreation are misused.
You will not be instantly turned into a lava monster, but you will experience
consequences that are more like what Moana’s home island of Motunui undergoes.
Do you recall the gradual decay the island was slowly experiencing? How the
coconut groves were dying and the fishermen could no longer catch food?
Ironically, one consequence of engaging
in sexual intimacy outside of marriage is the toll it takes on the
relationship. What you may convince yourself is done to display deepened
feelings of love for another person oftentimes ends up creating such feelings
of guilt and regret that the relationship is no longer healthy and happy. Other
consequences you might be familiar with include such things as sexually
transmitted infections and unplanned pregnancy. I wish to focus on the gradual
consequence that only you can truly notice. As members of the Church of Jesus
Christ of Latter-Day Saints, we are familiar with the saying that “The Holy
Ghost cannot dwell in unclean temples,” but do we understand what losing the
gift of the spirit might look or feel like?
There have
been moments in my own life where I felt a diminished presence of the holy
ghost. I would describe these times as when the spirit of contention seemed to
reign, as I was more easily provoked to anger and frustration. The shame I
spoke of earlier also began to creep in and play a looping soundtrack of
negative self-talk in my mind. Lastly, a loneliness and loss of direction seemed
to settle in my heart. Each of these feelings would creep into my life
gradually until I’d find myself miserable. And no matter how much I tried to
fix things by reading my scriptures or saying more prayers, there was ever only
one way to make things right: repentance.
President
Nelson has taught us that “repentance is required of every accountable person
who desires eternal glory [and]… is the key to progress.”[6] You
have seen in Moana how the heart of Te Fiti is returned and the mother island
returns to her lush and beautiful self. You too have been blessed with the
ability to be made clean and new. No matter the sin or the size, through the
Atonement of Jesus Christ, each and every one of us has the miraculous gift of
being able to approach the Lord in humility, to recognize and apologize for our
shortcomings, and thus repent of our sins. If you know or think you may have
broken the law of chastity, take President Nelson’s instructions to heart, he
told us last spring:
“Please
do not fear or delay repenting. Satan delights in your misery. Cut it short.
Cast his influence out of your life! Start today to experience the joy of
putting off the natural man. The Savior loves us always but especially
when we repent…”[7]
Now, I have a challenge for
you. To the youth, I challenge you to ask your parents a question about chastity
or anatomy or any of these sort of uncomfortable topics. You could even be
secretly filming them to see their reaction. Parents, my challenge to you is to
answer the question like you’re a bio 30 teacher. That’s how I handle questions
my kids ask me, I put on my Mr. McMurray hat and give a reactionless, straight
forward answer. I ask myself, WWJD – What would Jack do. As a youth, sometimes
the hardest part of coming to your parents for answers is knowing their
reaction will be discomfort which then turns into embarrassment for the young
man or young woman asking. Start breaking the ice on these topics and do it
often.
Before I conclude I wish to
address one last thing. I have no doubt in my mind that there are youth here
tonight that will or are struggling with same-sex attraction or other matters
of identity. This was the case for one of my very best friends growing up. I
love my friend dearly and I love you. I pray the things I said tonight never
felt like an attack or dredged up negative feelings about who you are. You are
a child of God just like everyone else in here and I hope that you can always
remember that when thinking of who you are. Part of my covenants include
bearing one another’s burdens and mourning with those mourn. You are seen and
you are loved by me and many other members of our stake, including your
bishopbric and our stake presidency.
I have a testimony of the
divinity of our origins, that each of us are spirit sons and daughters of a
Father in Heaven and that he has entrusted us with the “the greatest power ever
known,” the ability to “create life itself.” I know that following the law of
chastity offers us protection and demonstrates our gratitude for such a gift.
In the name of Jesus Christ. Amen.
[1]
Ensign, August 2020
[2]
Russell M. Nelson, “Your Body: A Magnificent Gift to Cherish,” New Era,
Aug. 2019, 2.
[3]
David A. Bednar, “We Believe in Being Chaste,” Ensign, May 2013, 43.
[4]
Gen. 3:7-10
[5]
D&C 58:26
[6]
Russell M. Nelson, “The Power of Spiritual Momentum,” Ensign, 98.
[7]
Russell M. Nelson, “The Power of Spiritual Momentum,” Ensign, 98.
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