In addition to the marital kindling I spoke about in my last post, there were three separate occurrences and one behavior last December that just didn't make any sense. Fortunately (or is it unfortunately?), with the cleared perspective of hindsight these events and actions make sense now .
1. I was accused of something that caught me completely off guard and hurt me deeply. While sitting on the couch reading one night, Jon came to me and began a conversation with, "Remember when you had a crush on that lifeguard?" At first I genuinely had no idea what he was talking about - I worked as a lifeguard for years before getting married and didn't have a crush on a single co-worker. I worked as a lifeguard as a newly wed and Jon had mentioned a fear that I had a crush on a specific co-worker of mine. It was completely unfounded, but to make my husband happy I limited all interactions I could have possibly had with him. Then, most recently, I worked as a Pool Supervisor one summer, where I was easily 10 years older than the oldest lifeguard. In none of these instances did I have a crush on a lifeguard. What was he talking about?
He was referring to the summer I was a Pool Supervisor. Surely I remembered having a crush on that one head lifeguard I worked with? I was horrified. How could my husband think I had a crush on this 20 year old lifeguard? I'll admit I enjoyed working with him, that I had known him since he was a boy since our families were in the same ward at church. But a crush? Did the lifeguard think I had a crush on him too? My horror became tinged with shades of mortification and hurt. I vehemently denied the accusation and began crying. Whatever Jon had been trying to get at was quickly shut down by the reaction he never anticipated. Apparently, when you accuse your spouse of having a crush on a 20 year old, it hurts her deeply. What makes sense now is that Jon was trying to start a conversation about how he had recently developed a crush on a much younger classmate at school. Surely I could relate? Since I had done it before?
2. Without going into much detail, there was an evening I flirtatiously solicited my husband. I wanted to have more kids, remember? I was met with a most repugnant refusal, like I was a grotesque, drunken floozy at a bar hitting on a married man. Apparently I didn't want him the right way. How dare I try to get close to my husband for the purpose of procreation! I was speechless. I had been chastened for years that I didn't initiate things enough and here I was, initiating. And even then I couldn't do it right. What makes sense now is that I didn't want him with the reckless abandon of a 22 year old girl chasing an older man and simultaneously cheating on a boyfriend of her own.
3. For the youth Christmas party in my ward we rented the local theater and watched a movie. Ideally it would have been a Christmas movie, but we had a family that made it very clear that anything rated higher than G was inappropriate. So we watched Joseph Smith: Prophet of the Restoration. I had never seen it before and was actually really enjoying it. But when it got to the part where Joseph says good bye to his children before leaving for Carthage Jail (about the 1:02:00 minute mark if you want to see on the linked video above), I couldn't stop crying. And it just got worse as the scene continued on, as friends and acquaintances watched in reverence as Joseph and Hyrum rode by. Brother Joseph was bravely riding to his certain death with his head held high. And I wept and I couldn't stop. I was desperately wiping my face, taking deep breaths, doing anything to will myself to stop crying because soon the movie would be over and I didn't want to look like a red faced wreck to all the youth when the lights came back on. But the tears wouldn't stop. As I sheepishly chatted with some youth, a big smile pasted on my face, the tears continued to fall. Perhaps this instance doesn't make a lot of sense, but I've come to recognize this moment as an omen of sorts. Although I wasn't riding to my own death, at that point certain things were in motion that would result in the death of my marriage. And with Brother Joseph as my guide, I would hold my head high and face the impending doom with grace and dignity. The movie touched me deeply and it makes sense now why it would have.
And lastly, a strange behavior. If there was a partner in our marriage who struggled with limiting their phone time, it was me. I would remember to reply to text messages at the most inopportune times, I have always bordered on down right addiction to some apps, and to cope with the demands of motherhood sometimes I would shut my brain off and look at my phone. But suddenly, last December, Jon began to catch up to me in phone usage. And at the strangest of times too. He'd stop while emptying the dishwasher and be typing furiously. I finally asked what he was doing and was told he was just writing down some notes, that there were some things he wanted to talk about but he needed to get his thoughts together first. Strange. But I respected that he needed time and gave it to him. I would soon find out what he had been constantly typing about anyway.