This is how things looked nearly one year ago:
- Since I had secured a job and Jon had been accepted into a post-degree nursing program we were finally in a prudent place where we could have a couple more kids. I have always wanted 6 kids. We were well on our way after having 4 kids in 5 years. We decided to hold off on those last two kids until Jon had a clear direction career wise. Finally that direction came. I made sure he was still on board for 2 more kids before scheduling an appointment to remove my IUD. He said he was, that it was ultimately my decision. I remember the doctor asking me if I was sure and I genuinely searched my heart, mind, and soul for the answer. YES. The answer was yes; I was ready to go back to diapers, to sleepless nights, to sore nipples, to a pooping, puking sidekick. And it was a huge decision that I made for ME. Instead of weighing pros and cons, asking opinions, and doing the mental gymnastics of making sure what I was about to do would be best for everyone in my life, I said yes because it was 100% what I wanted. I wanted to get pregnant and have another baby. Two more babies in fact.
- I was exhausted. I had a part-time job working as the Teacher's Aide to the Band Teacher at RJHS/RHS. I had to help plan and execute a huge Christmas Concert and Bake Sale. Sheriff had two Christmas Choir concerts. I was serving as the Young Women's President in my ward and didn't have a reliable secretary, so I was essentially executing two callings at once. I was planning weekly activities for my calling and then was asked to help with the ward Christmas party. My husband was a student again, a student that preferred to study at the school and was gone for long hours especially that month due to preparing for exams. The mental load of our home has always fallen to me. And I didn't mind. But by last December, I was drowning. The groceries, the meals, the cleaning, the child rearing, the laundry, the Christmas baking, the Christmas decorating, the Christmas shopping... WAIT -- I need to go Christmas shopping!
- Finally one evening I hit critical mass. I NEEDED to go Christmas shopping NOW. If I didn't get it over with that very night, I was going to have a mental breakdown. For the first time since him going back to school, I texted Jon asking him if he would please come home early tonight so that I could get the Christmas shopping done. I explained how stressed out I was. He was annoyed. Didn't I know that he was studying for exams? If I was so stressed out, why didn't I ask him for help? I snapped a little. Don't husbands know that delegating household responsibilities is just another task added to your list? The intersect between things that need to be done VS. what he knows how to do VS. what you trust him to actually do a good job of is so, so slim it's almost not even worth expending the mental energy to ask him, let alone explain it to him if he doesn't do it regularly. I texted something along those lines to him. It likely made him mad, but he did come home and I did get the Christmas shopping done.
- I don't think I have ever felt exhaustion the way I did last December. It was visceral, bone deep, consuming. By the time the kids were in bed each night, I needed to be alone. Usually in the evening Jon and I would play a board game or watch a TV show. Then he would slip off to play video games late while I would read in bed and fall asleep alone. I was too tired that month for board games or TV shows. I'm embarrassed to admit it, but I found rest and solitude playing the video game Stardew Valley. I finally understood a little why Jon enjoyed his games so much. And I figured I was doing him a favor because if he didn't have to do anything with me he could get to his games sooner. I always knew that the hour or so each night we spent together was a favor he did for me. At least that's how it seemed. Gaming was what he looked forward to every night, I was just a quick hoop to jump through before he could log on.
- My feelings were hurt deeply. Twice. In retrospect, those two occasions should have alerted me that something was wrong. But I was just so tired. Too tired to get to the root of why Jon would say what he did. Too tired to realize a rot had begun to creep into our relationship. I was taking care of everything and Jon got to play more video games, so he should have been happy, right? He was busy too with school, so busy he was rarely home. He wasn't even there when the kids and I decorated for Christmas, one of his most favorite traditions. But I knew how important the tradition of eating peanut M&M's and listening to that awful Looney Tunes Christmas music album while we set up the tree was to him, so I made sure that's what the kids and I did.
Does this look combustible to you? I didn't realize it then, but it was. Our marriage was about to go up in flames.
