Out of the Blue

As I've been reflecting on the events of one year ago, I was reminded of three really random conversations that seemed to pop up "out of the blue." Two with Jon. One with my mom.

1. We were in our bedroom, Jon and I. It must have been in the evening. I can't remember if the kids were in bed or why we were in there. Folding laundry? Whatever it was, Jon suddenly launched into how if he ever wants to travel he's going to have to do it by himself. It'll be just him and the kids travelling. I was caught so off guard - what did he mean? Was he planning a trip somewhere? What made him bring this up? No, no trip was being planned. He was just stating what he thought was the truth: Kristen hates travelling, so I'll do it alone. And I was speechless. This was such a complicated and nuanced topic, surely he realized that. (ie. me having a major depressive episode on our 2 month long honeymoon to Ecuador; another depressive episode on a trip to Mexico with his family, which was my first Christmas away from family, and I was pregnant AND the idiot doctor I went to for the pregnancy told me to quit my anti-depressants cold turkey; having almost every thing that could go wrong on a trip, go wrong on our trip to Ecuador with 3 kids and a baby.... just to name a few) I never, ever said I hate travelling and never want to go again (wait, correction - while on that last trip to Ecuador as a coping mechanism I allowed myself to say "I will never come to Ecuador again" in an effort to enjoy that trip more because I was telling myself it would be my last). I've just had some incredibly difficult experiences while travelling. In fact, one year before this moment Jon and I had been planning a trip for our 10 year anniversary. We literally would have gone on a trip together had our van's transmission not needed to be replaced. Our family drove to Tofino the summer before. I even had a trip planned for that spring with the high school band for work. See? Kristen travelled! I could even enjoy it! Was it too much to ask that we did some easy, baby trips before plunging into the hell that is international travel with 4 children to a third world country? I can't remember if I tried to defend myself. I was so exhausted most days that I probably didn't have the energy to set the record straight. Let Jon think what he thinks.

2. Jon was helping me set the table one night at my parents' house. We had an aunt and uncle visiting for dinner. While placing forks and knives beside each plate, Jon said something along the lines of "... but I'm stuck living in Raymond for the rest of my life." Uhh, record scratch, say what now? I almost laughed until I saw he was dead serious. I asked him to come tell me what he meant and we went into the laundry room for some quiet. He meant what he said, he was stuck in Raymond because I would never let us leave. Did I love living in Raymond? Yes. Had I ever said we could never leave? No! Jon had been trying to get into medical school for years, had he been accepted we would have obviously moved. Since moving to Raymond six or so years ago all of Jon's rhetoric had indicated that he really enjoyed it here too. He wanted to live on an acreage, he wanted to buy the land right next to my parents! He wanted to help my Dad with the farm in an effort to curry favor and an inheritance. He wanted my Grandma's house right next to Bridge Fitness in town. All signs pointed to him wanting to settle down here, so I let myself get comfortable. As I calmly tried to ask where this resentment was coming from and where he wanted to live instead, he couldn't really give a specific answer, just that he felt stuck and it was my fault. 

3. While driving to Lethbridge with my mom to get groceries one afternoon, she randomly started a conversation along the lines of, "Your Dad and I can tell your marriage isn't doing well and Jon is changing." Uhh, I guess she was right, but was it that obvious? I was usually so busy I didn't have the time to mentally evaluate things. Yeah, Jon's sulking right now, but I need to feed the kids and hurry us home to get them to bed and make the lunches and get myself to bed so I can get to work at 7am and then clean after work and do the laundry and plan the meals... There wasn't a lot of room on the schedule to evaluate the state of my marriage. Again, I was speechless. Fortunately, this conversation wasn't an attack on me and concluded with: "We support you no matter what."