A Break Through

When a marriage becomes strained there comes a point where you both begin navigating on autopilot. You take care of the kids, the chores, the home. You compartmentalize the aching side of you that has no freaking idea what is going on. Sometimes the aching breaks through and tries again to ask for answers.

The next time I tried asking for answers was an average February evening. The kids were in bed. Jon and I sat on separate couches. I asked how he was doing, to which he responded, "Not good." I don't know what was different about this time, about this question, but he eventually opened up and we had an actual conversation that shed some light on our situation. He asked if I remembered that time back in December when he accused me of having a crush on a lifeguard I supervised. Uh, yes, of course. You don't exactly forget being accused by your spouse of having a crush on a kid.

It turns out, Jon had been trying to strike up a conversation that night about how he had developed a crush on a classmate in his nursing program. And what better way to break the ice on such a topic than to first accuse your wife of doing the exact same thing. Surely she could relate? Well, turns out I couldn't, but finally having an explanation for his behavior the past couple months trumped any need to set him straight in that regard.

As a girl, a great deal of your conversations growing up revolve around crushes and feelings and affection you wish to bestow. You talk about it with your friends, your cousins, your siblings if you're lucky. It is a very surreal experience to ask your spouse these sorts of questions pertaining to someone other than yourself. 

Does she know? Does she have a crush on you too? "Yes, I think her feelings are reciprocated."

Is she single? "No, she has a boyfriend."

Does her boyfriend know? "She's told him she's not as invested in their relationship as she used to be."

Has anything happened between you? "No. We talk, she knows I'm not happy at home."

How did this revelation and these answers make me feel? Relieved. So, so unbelievably relieved. For almost two months Jon had lead me to believe that he was miserable just being married to me. That no matter how I tried to communicate and connect, it wasn't enough, I wasn't enough. I blamed myself for his unhappiness, chewing myself out for getting so tired in December. I should have never played Stardew Valley. I genuinely felt responsible for how our marriage had been crumbling. Now I knew the real culprit was the emotional affair he had begun. Realizing I wasn't to blame felt like a giant weight being lifted and I suddenly had an idea of how to go forward, how to start making things right.

Let's get away for Reading Week, my parents will watch the kids! "No, I don't want to."

Although I now knew what was going on, Jon still wasn't very receptive. Fortunately, I felt calm and confident, things were going to work out. It was then that I suddenly remembered something Jon had told me from when he lived in Vancouver and worked at a ski hill before we met. Due to his surroundings, he had begun to question things about himself. As his questioning became more intense, he realized he needed to leave and immediately moved home. I likened this experience to his current situation, he needed to "Get out of Vancouver." To remove himself from continuing any sort of relationship with this girl. And I was so, so sure that he would, because the last time he had cheated on me, he did.