The Atonement

As I continued to "sit in the dark," waiting for a direction or any kind of inspiration, I could feel myself beginning to lean towards the direction of divorce. Instead of being relieved that my gut was finally telling me something, I found myself wondering why the scales weren't being tipped in the other direction. Why didn't I feel like repairing my marriage was the right thing to do? And because I'm a deep thinker, this triggered a whole Rube Goldberg mental machine of questions until I found myself asking the biggest question of all:

Do I not believe in the Atonement of Jesus Christ?

I'm fairly certain the majority of my readers are members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, but if there's someone who has ventured here and isn't, allow me to explain.

I am a stout and steadfast believer in and follower of Jesus Christ. I have a testimony in the reality of His existence and that He lives, even now, as a resurrected being. I believe in the miracles He has performed and continues to perform. I strive daily to emulate His example of love and kindness. Teaching my children about Jesus and how to be like Jesus is my life's biggest priority. I am humbled by the magnificent gift of His Atonement and believe that because He died for me, I am able to be perfected in Him. Not yet on this earth, but each week as I partake of His sacrament I am given the divine gift of renewal, a fresh start, a clean slate. Unfortunately, because I'm human, I mess up. I yell at my kids, I swear under my breath, I think something unkind. But each and every week that I remember Him and take the sacrament, I get another chance to do my best. To begin again. To forgive myself. To try to do better. I believe all of this and I'm immensely grateful for it. As a recovering perfectionist, it is such a breath of fresh air to be able to accept Jesus' grace and offer the same to myself. It's okay to not be perfect, it's okay to try again. I am greedy for forgiving myself and getting a fresh start. Which brings us back to my dilemma: If I believe in forgiving myself and fresh starts through the Atonement of Jesus Christ, doesn't the same apply to my marriage? Do I not believe that I can forgive Jon and we can begin again? That my heart can be healed and made new?

The answers to those questions were incredibly complicated. Yes, I believed I could forgive Jon, I had done it once before. But no, I could never, ever see myself loving him with the same naive and reckless abandon that I had over a decade ago, or the same seasoned, calm, contented love I had come to know as we worked side by side to raise a family and build a life together. He was no longer a safe place for me. Yes, I believed my heart could be healed. But no, it could never be put fully in his hands again. The reality of my situation was beginning to dawn on me. No matter what forgiveness or healing I could find through the Atonement, I would be insecure, guarded, and hesitant with Jon for the foreseeable future.

In addition to these complicated yes-no answers, there was other rhetoric fogging my mind with confusion. My aunt I spoke to on Valentine's Day told me about forgiveness. About a woman who had forgiven her husband. About the Tutsi people of Rwanda who had survived the genocide and forgiven the very people who had killed their loved ones and families. What was I lacking if I couldn't comprehend the sort of forgiveness that enabled others to remain steadfast in their situations?

These weren't just passing thoughts. They weighed on me heavily. I'd cry trying to talk through my thoughts with my parents. I'd cry as I read my scriptures or wrote in my journal. It wasn't until I spoke with my Bishop that these thoughts were quieted.

I'm sure everyone thinks this, but I really do have the best Bishop. He checked in with me often. His family welcomed my kids over with open arms. Although it seemed like every time I sat down in his office I'd just cry and mumble, I really did leave feeling more direction and peace than when I entered. After explaining to him my confusion and doubts regarding saving my marriage, the atonement, and forgiveness, he made some really powerful points. First, that I don't need to reopen myself up again to be hurt to truly forgive someone. And second, just because divorce is the last choice I want to make, it's still not a wrong choice. I finally realized that Jesus never meant for His Atonement to be the reason someone continues to put themselves in a situation that hurts them time and time again. I can still believe in forgiveness and being made new AND protect myself.

That afternoon I left my Bishop's office with my doubts and fears quieted. If I had to pinpoint a moment where I realized that I was likely going to get a divorce, this was it. The light was beginning to appear. And less than a week later, Jon would do something that pushed me towards it.