Love Her.

My perspective changed a lot this week.

On Monday my Mom and I were driving home from a quick trip into Raymond.  Us Gibbs are a relatively quiet bunch, so as usual, we were sitting there in silence.   That is, until I broke it with a very random topic of discussion.

"I don't think that I hate anyone."

My Mom laughed and then reminded me of a certain boy that has caused me a lot of grief, yet after some deep consideration, I felt comfortable saying I didn't hate him.  So then I asked her,

"Do you hate anyone?"

She listed a person or two who had caused her a lot of grief, but again, after some consideration, she felt comfortable saying she didn't hate anyone either.

And that was the extent of our conversation.

Then that night I did something dumb.  I knew it was dumb even before I did it.  I knew it was dumb while I was doing it.  And I was certainly convinced that it was dumb after finishing it.  I ate a large blizzard.  And I felt sick.  Sick to my stomach for eating that much ice cream and sick to my stomach because I realized I had lied to my mom earlier that day.  There is someone that I hate!  Or at least someone that I treat as if I hate them.  And that person is myself.  Kristen Gibb.

Now, don't get me wrong, this isn't some kind of crazy admission of passionate self-hatred.  I promise my journal isn't full of hate notes and I definitely don't fantasize about hurting myself or ending things.  What I am saying is that I am guilty.  Guilty of treating myself very poorly.  Treating myself like I hate myself.  And I realized this while writing in my journal that night.

This might be a little silly, but sometimes when I reread my journal, it just doesn't seem or sound like I wrote it.  So whoever had the pen that night, here's what they had to say:

"As I've gotten older, I've become more aware of the type of love a mother must have for her own children. A sacrificing, ultimate sort of Love. ... What I'm trying to say is, [I think] being a mother is the closest love on Earth in similitude of Heavenly Father's or the Savior's Love.  What I'm trying to figure out is, why don't/can't we learn to Love OURSELVES this way?!  Why does everyone revert to being self-destructive instead of self-constructive, and self-admiring, and self-LOVING?!  

... I want to love myself. I want to treat myself as well as a mother treats her new born baby.  I want to do what is right for myself.  I want to cater to my NEEDS and occasionally splurge on fulfilling a WANT.  Mothers do not let their children eat junk food all day - although their children may want to.  Mothers do not let their children stay up all night - although they may want to.  Mothers do not let their children do inappropriate things - although their children may want to.  Mothers LOVE their children INFINITELY and ETERNALLY.

So why can't I love myself this way?  I think things are actually supposed to be this way.  But then the adversary convinces us that it's weird or uncool or more mature to begin destroying ourselves once our Mothers aren't in charge anymore."

I think I might be on to something.  It's not cool to call myself names.  It's not cool to think negative thoughts whenever I look in a mirror.  It's not cool to sit around and waste my time and potential.  It's not cool to eat until I feel sick.  It's not cool to stay up so late that the next day is shot.  Doing things like this definitely don't prove that I love myself.  

All those years where I was convinced my Mom and Dad hated me were really the exact opposite.  They never called me names.  They never pointed out physical "flaws".  They tried really hard to keep me busy.  They never let me eat junk food all day, or night.  And they were keen to get me to bed at a decent time.  Actions really do speak louder than words.  Although I was told "I love you" daily, these simple rules and actions are what really proved their love for me.

I think it's time to start being my own parent.  It's time to actually show myself the tender loving care I deserve.  It's time for my actions and words to be in harmony towards myself. 

I want to honestly say, "I don't think I hate anyone," next time that conversation comes up.