Trying to Rekindle a Romance

I remember the day like it was yesterday.  I remember the way I felt especially.  It was such an overwhelming desire and a will so strong I could hardly fight  the urge to follow it.  So I didn't fight it.  I let myself fall completely head over heels in love.  I allowed myself to be consumed.  And I did so happily and without any regret.  My first real romance, my first real love.  And as many can relate, the first love is supposed to last forever, or at least that's all you can possibly imagine happening.

Allow me to introduce you to my first love.

For almost ten years, I have been imprisoned by the romance of working out, exercising, but especially running.  That is, until recently.

Is it odd to feel like you've broken up with running?  Wait, I should backup, is it odd to feel as if you're in a relationship with running?  Probably.  But I don't care.  Ask any other runner out there if they feel as if they have some sort of tie to running.  If someone goes as far as to call themselves a runner, then they most likely feel quite strongly about the sport.

Anyways.  Rather than going on about my mushy-gushy feelings for running, I prefer to talk more about the "breaking-up" part.  This is because I'm positive that I'm not the only person who has suddenly had a falling out with a hobby or interest that has consumed so much of them in the past.  If you haven't, then please forgive me for my blabber, and please don't think I'm a crazy person for going off about this.

So about the "break-up," because who doesn't love a good break-up story?  To make a really weird, long story short, all I'll say is that there was a home-wrecker, and that home-wrecker was Depression.  And quit possibly laziness.  But mostly Depression.  Here's why.

Since being diagnosed, I've done some serious soul searching, trying to figure myself out and gain a better understanding of what was going on.  I came to realize that before things actually reached the all-time low I was already on a slow descent.  Running was how I dealt with it.  Running gave me control.  Running made me feel powerful.  Running filled my body and mind with endorphins.  And they felt awesome.  Finally I reached a point where not even running could help me out.  Sure, it would give me momentary happiness, but when the endorphins expired, so would my rationality.  I'm sure Jon's favorite days of our first few months of marriage were the days I could get myself out and running.

Finally I accepted my problem.  I acknowledged that I need help.  But not without a big and ugly battle.  It's hard to admit you handle your problems on your own.  So I started taking candy... Or at least that's what I call it haha.  And it has fixed the problem that I've spent years using working out and exercise to fix.  I'm not saying that all the sudden I'm perfect and cured.  Heavens no.  What I'm saying is that I no longer have the same obsessive and almost pathological drive to exercise like I used to.  And I feel empty.  I'm not used to dreading a trip to the gym.  It's so foreign to me to make excuses to not exercise, but I still do it almost daily.  I thought I was a runner!  I thought that was who I AM.  So why don't I want to do it anymore?

To be honest, it's probably the darn candy, but so what?!  Although running used to be my drug, it was still also fun!  So why can't I do it for fun's sake?

After months of contemplation and conversation with myself, I've come to a conclusion.  I need to rethink my approach.  Changing is the most constant part of the human experience.  No matter what, everyone changes.  And change isn't always a bad thing.  It's how we adapt to it that can be bad.  So here are my own adaptations to the change I've just described.

1.  Change the Definition.  In the past, working out has always meant pushing myself to my absolute limits.  A work-out wasn't good enough if it was under half hour.  A 10 km run wasn't good enough if it took over an hour.  I wasn't exercising if there wasn't sweat pouring down my face.  Obviously this is all false, but to the old Kristen it was exercise doctrine.  Nowadays, this definition has changed completely.  And it was kind of hard to do that, but I had to.  Exercise no longer means pushing myself to the limit.  Exercise can be 20 minutes long if that's all I'm feeling like.  Exercise can be more than just running.  And Exercise can in fact be a time of peaceful meditation.  To be honest, if I hadn't changed this definition, I'm pretty sure I would still be hiding from the gym.

2.  Slow Down the Tempo.  Going along with the previous comment, another thing that really helped with getting myself back to the gym was changing the type of music I listened to while working out.  Before, my music reflected my mindset.  High energy, fast paced, fist pumping, typical aerobic exercise music.  The first few times back at running, this music only stressed me out because it made me feel like I had to push harder.  Finally I decided to listen to the kind of music I listen to while relaxing.  Folky, chill, alternative music.  The difference was tangible.  I had the most peaceful and wonderful run I had had in a long time.  Aren't sure you can work-out with slow music?  Give Cider Sky a try, they help wean you off the Top 40 pop stuff.  It's still a quick tempo, but the music is still relatively chill.

3.  Do Something Different.  Back in my control freak days, doing the exact same workout, everyday of the week was perfect.  Because it meant that I was in control.  Nowadays, I get bored.  It's already hard in the first place to get myself in the gym, doing the same boring workout day after day would be torture.  So now I like to experiment.  For some reason I have an exercise aversion to working out my abs.  To fix this, I've discovered I can take a boring abdominal workout (ie. crunches) and make them super awesome by adding in the challenge of keeping my balance.  Think doing sit-ups on a yoga ball. Think doing sit-ups on a yoga ball balancing on only one leg.  Think doing plank on a bosu-ball.  Think doing plank on a bosu ball, working your palms to the edges and center, back and forth.  By thinking outside the box, I've found I can make exercising more interesting.

To sum things up, I guess what I'm trying to say is that although you may change, it is possible to adapt to the changes.  There isn't only one way of doing something, even if you've only used one way for almost 10 years.  Think of obstacles, or "break-ups" as an opportunity to widen your horizon, to discover new, and potentially even better, ways of doing things.  In conclusion, I believe the old saying goes...