Part Four: For Those Who Suffer Too

I have no doubt in my mind that my battle with depression was equally as hard for my husband Jon as it was for me.  Although depression is an isolating illness that firmly locks a victim into the destructive depths of their own mind, depression also has the ability to claw and scathe the significant other who stands near by helplessly wondering what they did wrong.  Allow me to firmly reassure you that you did nothing wrong, that you are desperately needed despite any of our efforts to push you away, and that your suffering alongside us is not in vain.

And so it is that I write to those who stand beside us, the captives that depression has seized.  I write to the spouses, significant others, brothers, sisters, parents, friends and anyone who has suffered or is suffering while they steadfastly stand at the side of a person struggling with depression.  Although you may not be directly battling the same demons your loved one is, you are ultimately pulled into the fight and you are needed for us to obtain our victory.

You did nothing wrong.

Humans have a funny way of searching for something to blame when life is not going smoothly.  As depression crept into my mind, I blamed Jon for my unhappiness.  As my misery began to eat us both, Jon blamed himself.  This proved to be incredibly destructive as the placement of my blame lead me to literally run away from Jon and the placement of Jon's blame made him defensive.  Therefore, our problems only compounded themselves because you can't solve anything when one party avoids the issue and the other party becomes defensive.  Neither one of us did anything wrong except for failing to realize that my depression was to blame.

It's completely understandable that as the person closest to someone suffering with depression you would eventually be led to believe you did something wrong.  The very symptoms of depression closely resemble how a person would act if they were seriously ticked off with someone!  It makes you irritable and restless, it robs you of rationality and the ability to effectively communicate your feelings, it fills you with pessimism and feelings of worthlessness and hopelessness, it can lead you to sleep like a hibernating bear and avoid all contact with the world, it strips you of your interest in things you once loved.  Have you ever been so mad that you couldn't communicate effectively?  Or lost your appetite or any interest of doing what you love?  So mad that you just opted to lock yourself in your room and just sleep?  Depression does this to a person and it doesn't mean they're mad or blame you.  You did nothing wrong.

Please do not blame yourself.  Please do not be defensive.  Please understand that the underlying culprit is depression and that you are desperately needed by your loved one struggling with depression.

You are desperately needed.

One of the meanest parts of depression is that it convinces you that isolation and withdrawing from the ones you love is what you need to get better, when in actuality, isolation and withdrawal only feeds the negativity depression plants inside your mind.  And so it is that your best efforts to heal yourself only end up making things worse.  Which is why, as a person close to someone suffering with depression, you are needed.

What exactly are you needed for?  To simply be there.  Be accessible.  Be available.  And be willing to understand that you can't suddenly fix everything, but that your presence is a huge help and comfort.  When your loved one just needs to talk, listen.  If they need to cry, be the shoulder they lean on.  Don't wait until you're asked to extend a hug.  Don't think that you're not helping by simply sitting next to them doing nothing.  Since depression strips a person of their interest in doing practically anything, doing nothing is what they tend to do a lot of.  Do nothing with them.

When it comes to encouraging your loved one to seek help, tread carefully.  The worst way treatments like anti-depressants and counselling can be introduced to your loved one is by randomly blurting it out after days of keeping your distance.  Although both of these treatments helped me immensely, I guarantee that I would not have gracefully accepted either of them if it had not been through the efforts of Jon and my family to first be near me, listen to me, cry with me and hug me.  Depression had rendered my own mind untrustworthy, which in turn made it necessary for the loved ones around me to regain my trust.

Please recognize how absolutely needed you are.  Please choose to be there.  And please know that any efforts you invest in standing near your loved one with depression are not in vain.

Your suffering alongside us is not in vain.

As I said before, I have no doubt in my mind that my battle with depression was equally as hard for my husband Jon as it was for me.  I also have no doubt in my mind that after passing through the trial of my depression, our marriage and relationship have grown to both a depth and strength that I never would have ever dreamed of or thought possible.  Although my depression was an enormous trial, I can honestly say that my marriage and love for Jon are stronger because of it.

Trials have an uncanny ability of either bringing people together or driving them apart.  At the initial onset of my depression, Jon and I were driven apart to the point of the callous and bitter word of divorce even being on my lips.  Fortunately, through the grace of God, Jon had the emotional endurance to suffer alongside me long enough for me to realize how desperately I needed him and how seriously I needed the help available for depression.  I will never ever be able to thank Jon enough for what he did for me by simply being there during my darkest hours.  After passing through those dark months together, I have absolutely no fear in whatever the future may hold for us in regards to other trials.

Please do not desert your loved ones struggling with depression.  Please realize that you are exactly what they need to get through this.  Please know that the suffering and efforts you invest in your loved one with depression will not be wasted and by no means are they in vain.

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You are needed.  You are enormously important.  You are a vital part of your loved ones recovery from depression.  Do not doubt that for one second.  Thank you so much for being there for us.  If it hadn't have been for a person just like you, I would have never made it.