The Best Things That Have Ever Happened To Me: Part III

Once upon a time, I got married to the most amazing boy in the world.  But then I got depression after only two weeks of marriage and thought that my life was over.  And it ended up being one of the best things that has ever happened to me.  The end.

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I've struggled with trying to figure out how to tell this "best thing that has ever happened to me."  Although dropping out of college and getting dumped by a boyfriend were both hard, neither one of them come even close to how hard going through depression was.  And neither one of them come even close to how fulfilling it has been to survive and surpass a mood disorder.  But how does one even describe that to someone who has no idea what it's like to go through depression? 

The only way I can really describe it is through an analogy, and a pretty weak one at that.  I'd say it's a lot like hitting a figurative dead end in your life, except when you're the person hitting it the dead end feels completely literal.  You reach a place in your life where it appears that all the good times are over, you passed them all already on the road.  Now you must sit and stare at the dead end sign and where the asphalt fades into grass and think to yourself that you're finished.  This is it.  This is the end.  Life will never ever be as good as it was on the road I took coming up to this dead end.

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So that's how it felt.  And things began to feel that way after being married for only two weeks.  

How did I cope with this feeling?  Horribly.  I would sleep away as many hours of the day that I possibly could.  I would cry.  I would pick fights with Jon.  I would even literally run away from him, not telling him where I went, once we got home from our honeymoon.  And most of all, I would sit and stew, letting my thoughts take over, telling myself that I had made a terrible mistake and that I was doomed to a life of misery.  

Why did I do this?  Because I literally felt like all the good times in my life were over.  If you were to investigate the causes of depression, there are several different answers you could find.  Perhaps I acted this way because I lacked certain chemicals in my brain, like Serotonin.  Maybe it was because I lacked the cognitive pathways necessary to cope with big life changes.  It could have been because I already have a genetic predisposition for depression and have struggled with anxiety in the past.  There are several answers as to why someone gets depression because not everyone is the same.

Now why in high heavens is this one of the best things that has ever happened to me?  Because I got over it.  This is by far the hardest thing I have ever encountered, which makes a victory just that much more sweet.  It's like sports; it feels way better to beat the hardest team in your league than to beat the easiest.  You have to dig deeper from within yourself, you learn what you are capable of, and you also learn to acknowledge and accept your weaknesses.  For the LONGEST time I refused any help, I was convinced I could get through this on my own.  However, things only got worse until I decided to accept the help that was available to me.  I'm so grateful I had this opportunity to face my weaknesses because now I feel stronger than I ever have in my entire life.

In addition to growing as an individual, I'm convinced Jon and I have grown stronger as a couple after passing through such a difficult time together.  We are now better at communicating with each other, something that is surprisingly important in a successful marriage.  If Jon and I could survive my battle with depression during those first few months of marriage, I feel confident that we can tackle whatever trials life throws at us next.

I never thought I'd ever say this, but depression is honestly one of the best things that has ever happened to me.

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