Much like this year, April 2023 flew by. After the cruise I was energized to take on the single mom game again. But man, those were long, exhausting days. I don't recommend being a pregnant, single mom of 4 kids, working part-time during the manic energy of spring time. Fortunately, this year our kids didn't play any big commitment sports like soccer or softball. I may be projecting, but through the heart ache of ending a marriage and breaking a home, there's this compulsion to spoil your kids in anyway possible, at least there was for me. It's like, If I couldn't give my kids the most important thing of all, a home with a mother and father who love and respect each other, I'll give them xyz... So last spring it ended up being rock climbing and horse riding lessons.
At the end of those long, tiring days, after the kids were asleep, I was busy typing out my talk for a youth conference I had been invited to as the key note speaker. Back in the fall of 2022, I had spoke at a youth fireside on the topic of chastity. I had had the framework for this talk in my mind for a few years and finally asked if I could give it. (If you'd like to read the talk, click HERE) This talk was well received and word travelled to the church leaders in Cardston, where the conference was being held. I'm one of those strange people that actually really enjoys public speaking, so when I heard I was being considered to speak for 5 stakes worth of youth, I was thrilled. When I was finally officially asked to speak, I remember thanking President Nunn for asking me and saying, "I really needed a win." But anyways, what was originally a 15-20ish minute talk needed to be around 45 minutes, so I had my work cut out for me.
After the cruise is also when I started seeing a counsellor. I'm fortunate enough to have a Family & Community Support Services office in my community, which is where I connected with a counsellor. FCSS offers 10 FREE sessions with their counsellors. I don't recall any ground breaking revelations or life changing advice, I mostly talked about the situation I was in and was encouraged to begin "finding myself" again. After a particularly emotional session of counselling, I took my kids to the play group happening afterwards. I had made the mistake of dressing Zuzu in her "big sister" shirt we used as the pregnancy reveal to our kids. I was definitely NOT ready to reveal this news to other people, but I was quickly found out and enthusiastically congratulated. What a dichotomy of feelings that time was. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times... My happy news of a pregnancy went hand in hand with the news that my marriage was ending. A smart person would have just accepted the congratulations with a smile and changed the subject. What I did was burst into tears and then have to explain that I was actually also getting a divorce. We left immediately after that conversation. But it was a conversation I encountered many more times. Fortunately, the tears no longer accompanied it.
The end of April is also when I had my 20 week ultrasound. I don't recall telling Jon the date of the ultrasound, but that morning he had texted me asking if he could come to it. My answer was no, which I felt justified giving for two reasons: 1. Jon blatantly chose to cheat on me after finding out that I was pregnant, and 2. After the truth came out, Jon had the nerve to say that he didn't want more kids. But it was still hard to say no. That afternoon, I turned off "Find My Friends" to ensure that I went alone. And then I did something bold: I chose to NOT find out the gender of my baby, which was something Jon always made us do. I was proud of myself for being nonconfrontational and a peacemaker, but I could still find little ways to be petty, ha. He later asked if there was a way he could find out the gender, by contacting my doctor or if my mom could find out and tell him. The answer was still no.
The time finally came to give my "Launch Out Into the Deep" talk. This talk was about setting out into adulthood bravely and boldly, being unafraid to be different. It included the infamous chastity talk, but at the end I felt inspired to put a different spin on the quote, how not all the "launching" we do is voluntary, sometimes we get "launched." This is what I said:
Before I close, there is one last
interpretation of “the deep” I want to share with you. There will come “deeps”
in your life that you do not choose to “launch out into.” Whether you have
chosen to remain on the shores of life or have valiantly launched yourself “out
into the deep,” you will encounter trials, adversity, pain and unwanted change.
This is inevitable. There is no “Get Out of Trials Free” card here on Earth. Some
of your trials will be consequences of your own actions, while others will be
the results of factors beyond your control. I have no doubt that some of you
sitting in this room have already encountered some of the greatest hurts that
this life has to offer. My heart goes out to you.
I’m no different than you in this
regard. I have had heartaches and heaviness, sorrow and suffering. Something I
may possess that you have not had the time to acquire is the blessing of
retrospection. I’ve lived long enough that I can look back on my trials and
remember the light that was at the end of each tunnel, something you may not
have discovered yet as you trudge through the thick of your adversities. There
have been trials in my life that have convinced me I would drown in the downpour
of my tears, that I would be forever flooded with fear, and spend the remainder
of my life in the shadows of an overcast sky of overwhelm. You may be able to
relate.
But I want to remind you, as
residents of southern Alberta and southeastern British Columbia, each of us is
familiar with the importance of rain in our areas. Usually around this time of
year or further into the spring and summer, our church leaders will bring our
attention to the dire need of moisture, whether it is to aide in the growth of
crops or to help reduce the risk of wildfires. If we haven’t been already,
we’re encouraged to pray for rain, perhaps even organized as a stake to fast
for the life giving and sustaining moisture we need. We beg with our Father in
Heaven for the rain because we know the blessings that exist once the rain
clouds have cleared away. So it is with our trials. The overcast mind, the
downpour of emotions, what appears dark and cold and dreary, is what brings us
some of our richest blessings once the clouds part.
Elder Dieter F. Uchtdorf said:
“Adversity helps to develop a depth of character that comes in no other way.
Our loving Heavenly Father has set us in a world filled with challenges and
trials so that we, through opposition, can learn wisdom, become stronger, and
experience joy.”
I promise you that I have yet to
encounter a trial that has not blessed me, refined me, and brought me closer to
my Saviour. As a young girl, the terror of discovering my beloved dog dying in
a beaver trap prompted me to utter the most earnest prayer I had in my life.
Without that trial, I would not have been blessed with the lifelong testimony
that Heavenly Father hears and answers my prayers, as my dad was able to free
and save my dog. Years later, my dad’s life would be in peril after a horse
accident. Multiple doctors encouraged my mom, sisters, and I to say our
goodbyes. After accepting that my father’s life here on earth was likely over,
my testimony of the Plan of Salvation and eternal families was carved into
stone upon my heart. I knew I’d see my dad again. Fortunately, our family was
gifted a miracle and my dad is still here today. As a young newlywed, my mental
health took a turn for the worst. As I trudged through what my doctor called a
“major depressive episode,” I became convinced that the joy and light I had
felt earlier in my life was essentially over. As darkness consumed me and
almost my marriage, I managed to direct my faith towards my Saviour and the
advice and care of my family and doctor. As the clouds began to part, I
realized that that trial had gifted me with a newfound depth of compassion and
Christlike love for the people around me. As I stand before you today, I again
find myself encompassed by the rain clouds of adversity. 2023 has been the year
I found out I was pregnant with my 5th child and discovered that
deception and broken covenants would bring the end to nearly 11 years of
marriage. The rain and my tears have seemed to never cease this year. But I
know from experience and from a hard-won testimony of the Gospel that the sun WILL
eventually come out and that I WILL find myself blessed for my faith and
endurance. By no fault of my own, I have been “launched out into the deep,” and
it is hard, but I know when I return to the shore that I will return a refined
and richly blessed daughter of God because of it. So it is with you. There are
deeps you get to choose to pursue, and there are deeps that you will be thrown
into. Choose to see the trials you endure for the rich blessing of moisture
that they are. The sun will always come out after a rain. And the trials you
have endured will be for your benefit.
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