How To Know If You're Successful.

Disclaimer.  This post is incredibly boring.  I wrote it in order to vent and more fully understand something I just discovered.

I believe I may have been born with the innate need and desire to constantly be judging my performance and measuring my success.  Although I can't really remember being a baby, I'm sure that I was right there with my mom in judging how well I could sleep through the night, how good I was eating, and how quickly I was developing motor skills.

Okay, that might be a bit of a stretch, but honestly, as far back as I can remember I have been so keenly aware of the need to know how well I am doing in life.  And there have been a plethora of different ways to measure my success.

In grade one, I knew I was successful because I could finish the writing assignments quickly, I had hardly any "ZAPS", I got to check out books from the library, and got to play soccer with the boys.  And things didn't change much from grade one throughout the rest of my schooling.  

I knew I was successful by the grades I received.  A bad grade didn't just mean I wasn't doing well in a class, it meant I wasn't doing well in life.

I knew I was successful by how little trouble I managed to get in.  If I was reprimanded or lectured by a teacher, it wasn't about my specific slip up in behaviour at that moment, it was directly related to an overall lack of success.

I knew I was successful by the privileges or milestones I reached.  If it took me longer than anyone else to achieve something, my level of success went plunging.

I knew I was successful in sports by the playing time I got, the goals I scored, the ribbons I received, and the trophies I won.  If any of these numbers went down, so did my success.

As I got older, instead of growing content with what I had achieved, I only introduced more ways to measure, judge, scale, and weigh exactly how well I was doing in life.

Success was how quickly I could finish my Personal Progress.

Success was how much I weighed.

Success was how far I could run.

Success was how much money I made.

Success was how many compliments I received.

Success was what I wore.

Success was who I dated.

Success was literally dictating my life.

And I couldn't escape it.

Then something funny happened.  Within the past month or two actually.  I don't know if it was gradual or if I just woke up one morning changed, but something happened.  And I realized it yesterday.  I DON'T CARE ANYMORE.

I don't care what grades I get in school.  I'll still do my best, but I don't care what grade I walk away with.

I don't care if someone isn't enthused with me.  It's not like I'm a hooligan that goes out of my way to wreak havoc, I behave myself like any good and kind adult.  So I don't care if someone is cheesed with me for no particular reason.

I don't care how quickly I reach a milestone.  If it's going to happen, it's going to happen.

I don't care if I score a goal in my next soccer game.  I'll still do my best, but my success doesn't depend on scoring a goal.

I don't care how much I weigh.  I eat healthy, exercise, and take good care of myself.  The rest is just some superficial number.

I don't care how much money I make.  As long as my basic needs are taken care of, I don't care.

I don't care what I wear or what clothes I own.  I dress modest and nice and that's all that matters.

I just plum don't care anymore.

And that scared me.

HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW IF I AM SUCCESSFUL?!?

If all of the things I used to measure and judge my level of success on suddenly became null and void, how in the world am I supposed to know if I'm successful or not?

That question has literally been haunting me.  See, although I don't care about those old measures of success, I still care about being successful.  And if I have nothing to measure it with, how am I supposed to know?  I need to know!  

Well, I went to the best place I could think of for an answer.  www.lds.org.  And I did get an answer.  An amazing one too.

In April 2010, Julie B. Beck gave a talk called "And upon the Handmaids in Those Days Will I Pour Out My Spirit".  And here is my answer:

"Good women always have a desire to know if they are succeeding.  In a world where the measures of success are often distorted, it is important to seek appreciation and affirmation from proper sources.  To paraphrase a list found in Preach My Gospel, we are doing well when we develop attributes of Christ and strive to obey His gospel with exactness.  We are doing well when we seek to improve ourselves and do our best.  We are doing well when we increase faith and personal righteousness, strengthen families and homes, and seek out and help others who are in need.  We know we are successful if we live so that we qualify for, receive, and know how to follow the spirit.  When we have done our very best, we may still experience disappointments, but we will not be disappointed in ourselves.  We can feel certain that the Lord is pleased when we feel the spirit working through us.  Peace, joy, and hope are available to those who measure success properly."

I'm so grateful to have received such a direct answer to this small problem of mine.  

I can't wait to start measuring my success on this scale.