Part 1: That One Time I Recognized I Had A Problem

I'm no longer a newly-wed.  That's what it means when you hit the one year mark right?  What does it mean when you hit the one year mark of having depression?

After celebrating our anniversary on May 4th, the next anniversary we couldn't help but acknowledge was the day that everything went straight to hell.  The day I got horribly lost.  The day that depression kidnapped the Kristen that Jon had married.  Although depression is really more of a "creeper," a disorder that slowly darkens and blurs all the good things in your life, for me it decided to make an entrance more like lightening.  Over the months leading up to our wedding, the people closest to me could tell something was different with me, but it didn't catch up to me until Jon and I had been married for 10 days.  How convenient, since by then we were alone on the Galapagos Islands with weeks and weeks of honeymooning in Ecuador still ahead of us.  Nowadays, Jon and I can smile, shake our heads, maybe even laugh about how hopeless our situation seemed back then.  However, at the time it felt as if the apocalypse of our marriage and my mind had began.  Which is why I want to write more.

Recently, I've been getting really great feedback in regards to the writing I've done so far on my battle with depression.  When I think back to a year ago, I can't imagine how helpful these simple words I've written would have been for me back then.  In addition to this, I found a quote that has given me a renewed interest in sharing my story, experience, and hope.  The quote is this:

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By no means am I seeking glory.  If anything, I want to be able to reach out and help the people who feel as helpless and hopeless as I did.  Because in all honesty, it does get better.  It really does.  Additionally, I really hope that these simple blog posts on depression do not encourage people to wrongly diagnose themselves.  We all go through really tough times in life, but not all of those times are actually depression.  Before you go on a rampage and diagnose yourself with depression be sure to talk to people close to you or even your doctor.  Now, with that being said, I guess there's no better place to start than at the beginning.  So let's go there.

My name is Kristen.  I am an optimist through and through.  I have an exuberance for life.  And I have depression.

Kind of an oxymoron eh?  Oh well.  Anyways, I grew up in what I like to call the "Promised Land;" I had an absolutely charmed childhood full of happiness and adventure.  I was aware of depression, in fact you could even say I was well acquainted with it.  It was something that "ran in my family."  Yet, this didn't really mean I respected it.  Actually, I had zero respect or understanding for it; I figured it was an excuse that justified a really bad mood.  So I kept my distance from it and kept my mouth shut, all the while thinking, I'll never get depression.  The funny thing is that I did.  I got depression.  Which brings us to the first part of dealing with depression.

Whether you have depression already, are beginning to feel depressed, or are positively certain you will never get it, the first part of understanding it or being able to treat it is this:

Repeat after me:  I am a human being.  Therefore, I could get depression.

Did you say it?  Just in your head is fine.  All of you, say it.  Even you people who KNOW you will never get it.  Because, even if you're certain you never will, the possibility of you getting it does exist.  Just like the same possibility of you getting cancer or even a simple cold next weekend exists.  Okay, good, we've all said it.  Now you're all doing better than I was a year ago.  Because a year ago I was still convinced I possessed some sort of immunity.  Which made the next part especially hard:  Recognition.

How does one recognize depression?  To be honest, it's completely different for everyone.  And, oftentimes what you might interpret as being a full-fledged Major Depressive Episode may actually just be just a tough time in your life.  Now, please understand  Here is how I did.

It had been a really rough couple of days.  It finally got to the point where all I did all day was lay in bed, read, and nap.  I never wanted to go outside.  I never wanted to do anything.  Finally, Jon gave up begging me to go outside and explore with him and just left for Turtle Beach.  As I continued to lay in bed feeling bad for myself, for a split second my mind cleared and a conversation very much like this took place.

Kristen.  This isn't normal.  You're not acting like yourself.

Well... I haven't been able to go on a run for quite awhile, it's just that.  I miss running.

But what about how much you're sleeping?

I'm on vacation!  But you're right.  I really don't sleep this much, especially when I'm not exercising.

And what about those thoughts?  The ones racing through your head all day?  You used to be able to control your thoughts and they were never, ever this negative.

That true.  I never thought about that.  I just assumed it was because I was homesick.  And you have to admit I gave up a lot of things that were important to me so I could get married.

Yes, you did.  But you had accepted that.  Why do you keep stewing over it and feeling bad for yourself?

I don't know.  I can't help it.

Do you realize you're acting a lot like so-and-so?

Yeah.  I guess that I am.

Why do they act like that Kristen?

Because they're always grumpy.  Or because they just like to be alone and hide.

Is that it?

Well, and because they have depression.

So?

So what?

What do you think this might mean?

Nothing.  Wait, no.  No, it can't.  I can't.  

Yes, you can.  Now say it.

I might have depression.

Say it again.

I think I might have depression.

Now go and tell Jon.

And I did.  I got out of bed and ran all of the way to Turtle Beach to catch Jon.  And I told him.  And it made just about as much sense to him as if I had told him that I knew how to make myself turn into a unicorn.  

Jon and Kristen at the beautiful Turtle Beach on a different day than the story above

But the symptoms were now recognized and the fact that I could potentially have depression was partially accepted.  And to be honest, it made a little difference.  Ideally, this would be the point where you could confide in someone familiar with depression, or even your doctor.  However, Jon and I were on the Galapagos Islands, making that nearly impossible.  So instead, I asked Jon to encourage me to exercise and go on runs.  I figured running would actually cure the problem.  **SPOILER ALERT**  It didn't.

And that is the story of how I recognized the possibility that I might have depression.  Obviously recognition really didn't solve the problem.  I didn't know for sure if I had depression.  It didn't make me suddenly happier.  In fact, things only got worse after I recognized that I was behaving like I had depression.  However, in my own experience, recognizing the problem made it possible for me to begin the long and extremely difficult process of accepting that I had depression and accepting that I needed help.  Which will be another story for another day.

In conclusion, perhaps you will enjoy one of my favourite little analogies/quotes I find pertinent in dealing with depression.  Keep aiming.

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